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CHIN TUCK….

July 19, 2011

Today’s my birthday! What you say? Happy birthday to me! Why thank you!  So I woke up feeling no older….Thank god! And I actually got up early…no sleeping in on my special day! 8:30 is early for me…So I wake up and me and Maddy go downstairs and make strawberry smoothies for breakfast. I love smoothies, but hate making them. Why? I don’t know. I just think it’s a lot of work…But Maddy loved it! We even topped it off with whipped cream. No skimping on the calories for my special day… For those of you who know me, I am not a breakfast kind of girl…Unless someone else is making it…Then I love it.

Then I missed a call, ok I ignored a call on my cell because I didn’t know who it was, and it was the local radio station! I won flowers! I won them last year too…I think I may be the only person who has a birthday on this date here…So off we go to get my flowers….

Now you wanna hear the shitty part about my birthday? Let me first tell you that I am the most unphotogenic person you will ever know. No, I am serious. I can’t relax, I can’t even do the constipated smile that Maddy always gives..you have to literally catch me off guard before my hand flies up to block the picture or flip you off…So, in telling you this, today my license expired. I have been putting it off. Actually, I forgot about it. Then they sent a little postcard and Ryan told me last week to get it done because if I let it expire then I have to re-take the driving and written test. And he said it in the bitchy way that implied I would fail….So I, like my mom, procrastinated til the last second…which was today. I make Ryan drive and wait in the car and walk in and there is a huge line of 2…So I wait…Next up is me! I walk up to the counter and tell her I need to renew my license…Then I kindly, in my sweet voice, not bitchy voice, ask if she can just use the same picture…She says, “no…” I tell her, “But look, I haven’t changed! I haven’t even lost a pound!” but she wouldn’t work with me….So I have to take a vision test…I pass, thanks to my contacts. Now I have to tell her which side the blinking light is on….Let me stop here and say, I am bad about firing off, “Left!” and “Right!”…I have to think about it or move my right hand in the air because that is what I write with…Blame it on my dad…When I was in first grade he made me switch from being a left-handed kid to a right-handed kid, thereby, sentencing me to a life of no hand-eye coordination and thereby making me a klutz…Ok, maybe not so much but I am forever confused…So I took my time and answered correctly…I was so proud! Then I had to name the traffic signs that weren’t labeled…Stop sign – come on…No u-turn sign – I know this one well and ignore it often… No left turn – oh wait is that left or right?!?!? Left!  then No right turn – now they are trying to trick me… Yield sign – which I never really notice so I had to think about…and then the traffic signal sign ahead. But I passed! WHEW!

Next comes the dreaded photo pic. I am so pissed. I hate pictures. I look ahead. She tells me to smile and I tell her no. She waits and I wait and we have a little staring contest and then she pushes the button. Then she immediately says, “Oh, let’s take another one…” Yeah, lets…I tell her today is my birthday and I really don’t want to take 10 pictures, so lets just get the show on the road. So she snaps again…”Nope, eyes were closed…” This time I try. Really I do. And she says ok, it will be a minute. So off I go to wait in the back of the room silently praying I don’t look cross-eyed….When she hands it to me, I won’t even look. I just immediately put it in my purse and walk out because the place was packed and I didn’t want to cry in front of all those strangers…So I get in the car and Ryan immediately says, “Hand it over”. I hand it over and say, “I can’t look!” Ryan says, “OMG your eyes are crossed!” I wail and cuss and he giggles and says look at it..I scream, “No!” He says he was lying, imagine that…and that he actually believes this is the best license pic I have ever taken…I look and the first thing and the only thing I notice is the huge double chin that looks like a second neck. I scream, “OMG!” and that’s it, decision is made. Forget the Botox, actually fuck the botox. I’m getting a chin tuck.

I came home and dug this Christmas present out from 2 years ago. I asked for it. So don’t get upset that Ryan would buy me this for Christmas. I actually begged for it because I was too ashamed to buy it and when he bought it the day before Christmas, because that’s when Ryan shops, the cashier tried to talk him out of it. He tried to tell her that I begged him for it, but he said he walked out of there feeling like the worst husband ever….I use it maybe once a month. I don’t like using it around Ryan because its weird….And I can’t do it in front of the boys because they ask, “Momma, what is that?”   BIG SIGH….

This is the neckline slimmer…We’ll see…

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 21, 2011 6:10 AM

    YOU HAD A FRACKING NECKLINE SLIMMER AND NEVER LET ME USE IT????? WTF???????

    Like

  2. July 21, 2011 6:11 AM

    OH YEAH – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU NECKLINE SLIMMING MACHINE HIDER!!!!!

    I LOVE YOU, HAR~~~~~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Like

  3. July 21, 2011 9:28 PM

    It’s not something I would tend to brag about….and you don’t need it whore!

    Like

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