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Some of our best memories come from bad ideas….

June 29, 2011

My side of the story: aka THE TRUTH.

Tuesdays….Tuesdays are the days that Ryan gets a half day off at work…which means, I usually am off as well, so we can spend some “quality time” together….I won’t mention that the last few “quality times” included Ryan napping all afternoon and me, uh, not….So this particular Tuesday, June 29th, was going to be different…Transformers 3, aka BUMBLEBEE!!! to Cameron, is coming out this weekend, and Burger King has Transformers toys…But our Burger King was destroyed in the tornado. ūüė¶

But Carthage has one! Carthage is like 10 miles from our house.

¬†So the plan was, Ryan comes home, we go to Burger King <bad idea>, then the Fireworks Tent, because Ryan brought home some sales flyer from some fireworks tent and Maddy circled all the fireworks he wanted on it. I refuse to look to see what he circled, because I am sure every item is circled…Then I was going to torture them and make them take me the Antique Gallery that is going out of business and Tuesday Morning, to see if they had anything good on a Tuesday.¬† So, off we go to Carthage…I’m driving as usual, which means I am speeding a little, as usual. Maddy and Cameron are talking non-stop, as usual. I am getting aggravated, as usual…This is nothing new, right?

Then I hear Maddy say, “There’s a¬† big, green bug on my shoe!!!!” Ryan whips his head around, tells me to “calm down!” even though I said nothing!

OK, OK….Maybe I screamed, “what the fuck?!” I can’t remember. You’ll soon read why.¬†

¬†I immediately tense up. This means I am sitting straight up and my hands are at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, and I am white-knuckling¬†it. Ryan tells me to roll Maddy’s window down, which I immediately did. The car has the ear-popping, loud noise going on due to the air pressure of only one window being down, and Ryan is screaming at Maddy to pick up the bug and throw it out the window. Maddy immediately starts bawling, and says he is scared. This pisses Ryan off and he looks at me and says, “thanks a lot”…which means it is my fault that Maddy is scared of bugs. Puhlease. I won’t even dignify this with an answer. So I am going 80 mph¬†and immediately start to slow down…and I am in the fast lane. This is what I remember…

Ryan: “Maddox, pick up the bug and throw it out the window!”

Maddy: “No! I can’t do it!”

Ryan: “THEN PICK UP THE SHOE AND TAP IT ON THE DOOR!!!”

Maddy: “I’ll throw the shoe out the window!”

Me: “You better not!!!”

Ryan: “If you don’t pick up the bug, I am going to stuff it down your shirt!!!”

Maddy: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Ironically ,Cameron is eerily silent through this whole screaming, blood pressure rising, horror ride to Carthage. I was too scared¬†to even turn around and check on him! I am still white knuckling it….

Ryan: “Goddamnit Maddy, throw the goddamn bug out the window!!! NOW!!!!”

Maddy: “I CAN’T DO IT ! I CAN’T DO IT!” WAAAAAAA!”

me: “Jesus Christ!”

Now we are in town,coming towards a stop light, and as I am slowing down the air pressure in the car is deafening and I am rolling Maddy’s window up and Ryan is screaming, “What is that noise!!!”

I tell him that it’s the air pressure, and he thinks I have blown a tire because of the bug. I am telling you, it’s not pretty…I don’t know what people thought as we passed them on the road, because I was too busy thinking that I felt a bug crawling on me…But I am sure we looked ridiculous.¬† Next stop light, we actually get to sit for more than 2 seconds, so I scream,¬† “OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW AND GET THAT DAMN BUG OUT OF MY CAR!!!”

Maddy: “I CAN’T DO IT!”

ME: “DO IT NOOOOOOWWWW!” “1!!!” “2!!!!” I never have to get to “3” with Maddy because he listens…Cameron straight up says, “2!” when I say, “1” so the counting thing doesn’t work with him…

Door opens…then shuts 2 seconds later. “I think its out, mom…” I am thinking bullshit, but the light has turned green and Burger King is in sight.

Now here is where it gets worse….

Big sigh.¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† ¬†HUGE SIGH….

I pull in and ask Ryan, “do you want to go in or go through the drive-thru?”

Ryan: ” I don’t care”

I quickly think, ok, we are going in, so Maddy can check out my car and make sure that damn bug, which I have now learned is a grasshopper, which I don’t like either, is no longer in the car….

So I park. Ryan hops out and gets Cameron who is seated behind him. I tell Maddy he is going to check out the backseat. So I get out, and Maddy gets out and I make him look under the backseat, under my seat, in the very back, and all over. He then tells me it was stuck on the side of my chair when he opened the door and he is pretty sure when he opened the door at the light it hopped out. I asked him if he saw it jump out, and he said no. So I make him look again. All the while thanking God, because if the grasshopper had hopped over into my lap, we would have rolled that SUV….Finally, after I feel like there is no grasshopper in my car, I close the door and we start to walk in. All the while, I am bitching. I am saying, “how can you be scared of a grasshopper but yet, you want to buy a crapload of fireworks?!?!” And this is where it starts to get hazy….

You see, I decided to dress up today. I was wearing my little black old navy dress, and I was wearing cute wedge heels, when I changed at the last-minute¬†because I didn’t want to trip at the antique mall and break something. I am a klutz. I own it. I know this. People who know me know this….¬†So I put on my metallic white flip flops…Plus I put on this necklace that Ryan bought for me in Destin, Florida. We went there 3 years ago, and were walking hand in hand that first night at the outdoor mall and this little jewelry store had this necklace in the window. I loved it. And on our last day there, Ryan took Maddy to go get it for me and¬†I came back to our beach house and found it on my pillow. I loved it and wore it today because it was going to be a quality day, right? I digress…so back to me bitching.

I am bitching, Maddy is just staring at me, and I don’t even notice the curb. Next thing I know, I fly forward. Into two metal newspaper racks….I hit the first one like a football player hitting those fake padded football player guys they have to hit in practice with my right arm/shoulder first, then my right leg lunges into it, from there I roll forward and hit the second one, momentum taking over here, and now my right boob has hit the top of the rack, you know the part, the part where you put your coins into…Yep, and then somehow my head, the right side, slides down and hits the corner, right above my sunglasses on my right ear, and then I hit the ground. But as soon as my ass and thighs feel the hot concrete, I am back up. Mind you, the whole time Maddy is still standing there. His face hasn’t changed, he is looking at me the same way he was looking at me while I was bitching, and just as I am ready to scream and bitch even more, I notice above his head, in the tinted glass window of Burger King, the shape of a man sitting at a booth and I see his head perk right up. Yes, he saw the fall….and I am mortified and in pain. I tell Maddy to go see his dad, I am staying in the car. Maddy immediately goes into Burger King and I am fumbling with my keys to get into my car. I parked right next to the handicap parking section, so the car next to me is actually a car, not an SUV, like me, and so I can’t hide from the tinted window guy who is still watching. So I sit in the car, fuming, crying, checking out my bruises when I see Cameron running to the car, followed by Maddy, bawling and then Ryan….

Words cannot express the look on Ryan’s face as he walked to the car. I am trying to determine if he saw the fall….no he must not have otherwise his ass would be laughing.¬† I hear him say to Maddy he should have watched where he was going. So Maddy is not bawling because he thinks I am injured. Note to self: teach that kid some freaking compassion. Cameron is now in the car, screaming, “why no burger king slide?!?!?” over and over….Maddy is bawling saying Cameron hit his toe with the door, and “ITS BLEEDING!!!!”

I look and there is no blood. So¬†I scream, “There is no blood!!!! Did you see me fall??? I should have the blood!!!”

Ryan is now in the car, and he says, “What the hell happened to you? Maddy came in and said, Mom hit her head on the newspaper and is staying in the car.”

Then Ryan notices the newspaper stands all askew. And he starts to look at me all over…I start to tell him what happened and he tells me to get out of the car, he is going to drive. I have to literally bust my ass to get this man to drive. Shit. So meanwhile, Cameron is still screaming, “why no burger king slide?!?! why?!!? burger king!!!! ”

We both yell for him to shut up and Ryan goes through the drive-thru while I inspect my bruises even more….

His side of the story, aka BULLSHIT:

He is waiting inside the store, and he hears about 8-10 people loudly, “gasp!!!!” and then proceed to laugh their asses off. Two seconds later, Maddy walks in and says, “Mom hit her on the newspaper and is gonna sit in the car” and he immediately realizes they are laughing at me and tells the boys they have to go…..

As he drives back into town, I complain the whole way back.

me: “ooooh, my boob hurts so bad….oh my leg….oh my head, oh no, there is a huge bump. is there blood? do you see blood?!? oh my chest. did¬†I break a bone? oh my leg, its throbbing…” you get it, right?¬†I was in pain. You feel for me, right? I mean, don’t you just want to reach out and hug me ? Well Ryan’s response was this…

Ryan:” Hey, can we go back and you re-enact it for me while I take pics so you can blog about it?”

me:” fuck no!”

Ryan: “but that would be some funny shit!”

me: “My head has a huge bump!” I start to look in the mirror to see if my eyes are ok and¬†I don’t have a concussion…”I may have a concussion!”

Ryan: “Maybe I’ll go back and re-enact it for you”

ME: more choice cuss words….

Ryan: “how the hell do u fall into a newspaper machine??? No wait, how the hell do you fall into two newspaper machines?”

me: “Shut up Ryan!”

Ryan: “Why is your leg all scratched up”

Me: “Because I fuckin fell on the ground!”

Ryan: “Did your legs fly up in the air and your panties show?”

me: “argh!!! NO!”

Ryan: “How did you get road rash on your tittie?”

Maddy: “dad said ‘tittie!”

Me: “Shut up! I fell into the machine! Don’t you feel bad for me?!?!”

Ryan: In his serious voice, “I feel¬† bad that you are such a klutz… But do I feel bad that you are injured?” big pause…”NO”

me: more bitching and moaning….

Maddy: “stop your complaining mom…”

Ryan: Excessive and unnecessary laughter for 5 minutes….

Me: “Maddox! This is all your fault! All you had to do was get that damn grasshopper out of the car! If you did, I wouldn’t have been bitching at you about it and I wouldn’t have fallen and you would be on the slide by now!”

I don’t even want to know what my blood pressure is at this point. I notice Ryan doesn’t take our exit home and is headed towards 32nd street. I think to myself, “bullshit if¬†I am going to the antique mall, limping….” but he drives right on¬†by the antique store and keeps going. He then pulls into Panera¬†Bread, or as he calls it, the “$8.00 sandwich store”. I tell him I am not going in. He says,¬† “come on, we’re all going in…” and so I concede and we eat our $8.00 sandwiches while he laughs and asks all kinds of questions about my fall…It was now funny and not traumatizing.

Later that night, Ryan climbs into bed and asks if my body still hurts…I say, only when you touch it, so don’t¬† be touching my tittie. See, I can have¬†a sense of humor, sometimes…I am watching my tivo’d The Voice and out of nowhere Ryan starts laughing his ass off.

Me: What’s so funny?

Ryan: I just keep picturing you flying into those newspaper stands!

me: Really? You’re gonna go there?

Ryan: I mean, I don’t know how you do it….

Me: It wasn’t meant to happen…

Ryan: Don’t you wish someone would have caught that shit on tape and is spreading it around via facebook? Just imagine logging in and seeing you on a video…

Me: Turning the volume up on the tv…I no longer want to talk or hear Ryan…

Ryan: If your right side of your body did all that damage, how did you get that huge scratch on your left thigh?

ah, Ryan is brilliantly observant…I cut myself shaving that morning, didn’t realize it was that bad, but knew it hurt like a mutha…I did it by lifting my leg to put on the ledge, but my big ass foot hit the water-spout¬†just right and it hurt! So once my leg is on the ledge I start to shave and then I get this massive toe cramp and instead of dropping the razor like a normal person, I bring the razor up real quick and drop my leg, all the while dragging the razor across my thigh…It burns…and when I hit the ground it split that 3 inch long cut wide open…but it brought a little sympathy at the time. Shit I got Panera out of it!

ME: I just fell ok! Geez! Drop it!

So I am a klutz…always have been, always will be and sadly it looks as if Maddy is following in my footsteps.

By the way, this morning, Maddy and I run to Caseys for some chocolate milk and donuts and I pull up to the stop sign and stop and look to my left and what the hell do I see?

A big green grasshopper sitting on my ledge by the window. I screamed but then remembered I was teaching Maddy to be scared of bugs, so I open the door, roll the window down and hit the grasshopper with my wallet and out it goes. I quickly shut the door and roll the window up and drive off and tell Maddy, “See , that’s how it’s done! What was so hard about that?” “And¬†I thought you said the bug was out of my car!”

Later, Ryan had the balls to ask if I took the boys to Burger King again….Really?!? What do you think?

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 29, 2011 5:59 PM

    Most of my scars come from bad ideas too… ūüėČ

    Like

  2. July 12, 2011 11:44 PM

    You are so fucking funny, I laughed out loud. I love it!!!

    Like

  3. Anonymous permalink
    July 14, 2011 9:40 PM

    Oh my word! I laughed so hard I had tears! Sorry for your pain…but that was some funny stuff.

    Like

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