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I owe the swear jar $150.00….at least.

May 26, 2011
 Yesterday I was feeling blue, down, and irritated…That morning, will reversing out of the driveway, I just happened to look in the rear view mirror, when I noticed at least 8 tiny white hairs, on the side of my head…I grabbed and missed and proceeded to pull out at least 20 hairs that were not white…then I threw the car in park and parked right in front of the house and grabbed my tweezers out of my purse and proceeded to pluck each white hair out. All the while, Cameron is saying, “mom, what you doing?” I like to pretend its his jersey accent…

So I go to work and make a mental note to pick up some  of that new hair dye at Wal-Mart, you know the kind, the foam kind, the kind that is “less messy…”   I didn’t want to call my hairdresser, whose mother had a stroke, and plus felt like going to get my hair done was selfish when the town was literally gone and people didn’t have water, or clean clothes, much less a salon hairdo. 

At Wal-Mart, I grab this box…it promises some highlights too, which I mentally called bullshit on and later realized I was right.  This is another reason I know I am getting old , because I am no longer looking at the younger, hip boxes of color by John Frieda or Revlon, I am looking at the Nice ‘n Easy box that promises to cover gray  white for 8 weeks…

So I come home, make dinner, and when Ryan comes home, we go out to get the boys and me a movie. On the way there, we stop at Casey’s to gas up and for me to cash my $54.00 in scratcher winners in.  Maddox begged to come in, and I at first, said no, then thought, why not…You see, Maddy has a knack for picking winners..not all the time, mind you. But he does pretty well. So while Ryan is gassing up and Maddox and I are walking towards Casey’s, I tell him to “clear the mechanism….” If any of you have watched, “For Love of the Game” you will know what I am referring to…Of course Maddy, has no clue, so I tell him again, clear your head, don’t look at the pictures, and pick what you think will win…So we walk in and he immediately points to the $20.00 ticket. I cringe. Because I NEVER buy the $20.00 tickets…I say,” no really, pick again”, and he again points to it…I ask the cashier what number it’s on. Yes I am that person…and she says, “24”….Good number.  I was 24 when I met Ryan. So I buy it. And Maddy picks out others…So now, we have movies and mama has some scratchers, and there will be no news coverage on tonight. It will be a relaxing night.  Ryan and the boys go to the man-cave to watch the new Gnomeo and Juliet movie, to give me some peace..and I will dye my hair and scratch and watch my movie…

So, I come home, take off the lashes, take off the contacts…and start my prep. I don’t for some reason,put on a t-shirt but wear my halter dress, not a fancy one, one that I just wear around the house because it shows too much boob…Mistake one was taking my contacts out because I am blind as a bat. I start the mixing and shaking and start the foam…My nails tore the cheap gloves that came with the box, so I am trying my hardest not to get dye into those holes.  After my whole head is saturated, I walk to the bathroom to take the gloves off and throw everything away. I notice the drips on my forehead and remember the magic eraser incident so I rush and grab some shampoo and a rag and start to scrub around my hairline. Upon doing so, I notice that my hair is falling, so I walk back into my room to grab more clips. Yes, I put the hair dye on in my room, another classic example of no common sense, and grab the clips. Once I grab the clips I notice there is a huge runner of foam on the wall.

This is after the magic eraser...

This is where the swear jar comes into play…Because I immediately screamed, “shit!” I run and grab my glasses because I am obviously blind to not notice a huge runner of purple foam on the wall.  When I put the glasses on, I can’t remember exactly how many cuss words came out, but it was not lady-like, it was not pretty, it was shocking. Because  there is now foam on my big fat toe, which I know means its on the bottom of my foot, which means its on the carpet, and sure enough, its on the bottom of my feet and all over the carpet.

This is the good heel. The other one was and still is stained... jeweled flower design is ruined.

carpet in front of our bed...


I rush to the bathroom, trying to hop and skip, it wasn’t pretty or graceful and I rammed my shoulder into the doorjamb and said another 5 or 10 cuss words. I grab the magic eraser and start to feverishly scrub my feet, then I remember that I may develop 2nd degree burns on my feet and how would I walk? So I run to grab the pumice thing, and dammit to hell, Cameron somehow has it covered in the brand new tube of toothpaste I just bought.  See, the kid breaks or damages everything!  So I scrub to the point that I think it won’t rub off on the carpet,though it’s still stained on the bottom of my feet, and I run downstairs to get the magic cleaner. Remember the magic cleaner guy who sold me the magic cleaner? I have one bottle left… So I run and grab it and come back up and immediately start soaking all the spots…I scrub til my knuckles are raw. I got most of them up except for that big one…I magic erased the wall, it’s not coming off and I am cussing the whole damn time. Then the doorbell rings….You know what I said, I don’t have to repeat it.  My window is open, and I scream, “who is it?!?!” no answer…doorbell rings again, “who the hell is it!?!?!”  I scream?  no answer… I crawl to the window, and see my in-law’s and yell for them to bang on the garage, because I am dying my hair and have a mess and everyone is in the garage.  I scrub and scrub and scrub…forgetting about my hair and how long its been…its been 45 minutes. I was supposed to wash it out at 25 minutes…My hair is now crunchy dry, and because I forgot to grab the clips in the first place, the whole back of my neck is purple. I scream some more and use the rest of my crumbly magic eraser to wipe it off. I don’t care anymore about getting burned, it’s the back of my neck, but I think I got most of it. I am too chickenshit to grab a mirror and look. I ask Ryan later and he swears its gone but he could just be saying that to make me feel better. 

So, I wash my hair. I don’t even care what color it is. Its dark brown. Thank god. There are no highlights…Just like I thought….I am wiped out. Its 10:00. I haven’t even started the movie. I am drained. I am back to watching the storm warning we are under….and I remember my scratch off tickets…So I start to scratch…and wouldn’t you know it…Maddy picked a winner.

Of course, this winner is being deposited into the store account to cover this month’s expenses since there has been no business in over a week… But I will take Maddy to the “train store” as they call it or as I call it, the stupid fricken toys r us. That’s where we are going after school today. The mothereffin toy store. But that’s ok…I got  most of the stains up, except for that one in front of the bed…and that one on the wall, and no more grey hair…though I did pluck a white eyebrow hair and didn’t even give a shit today.

Ryan was so good, so comforting…He knew this was on the verge of a mama breakdown…Later he asked, why didn’t you just grab some socks….DOH! Because I never even thought of it, not even afterward…Zero common sense…that is me…So I will be sporting these shoes…I love them, not the way they look. but they way they don’t make my feet hurt. I feel like Harry the Henderson’s wife in them but trust me, they are uber comfy…

These are the Fila Skeletoes. They are ugly. Yes, I know this. But they are also kind of cool…Now if you have ever watched that movie, Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson, you will understand my pain. You see my toes are like Mr. Glass’s in that movie. I almost think if you look at them hard enough they will break. So I have broken toes on each foot at least half a dozen times. Its ridiculous. And I have one wonky toe that likes to hang down a little lower than the rest. It’s not noticeable unless you are the Chinese lady giving me a pedicure…or if you are these shoes, because I have to manually maneuver that wonky toe into its rightful place. But other than that, they are perfect….So these will be shoes I will be wearing while I wait for the dye to fade…Do yourselves a favor, don’t buy the foam hair dye…and if you do, wear your glasses…and stay in the bathroom…

Now I have to go pay the  fuckin swear jar..

One Comment leave one →
  1. Dawn Briner permalink
    May 26, 2011 3:24 PM

    OMG, you had me rolling with laughter at this blog. Holy Hell already! At least you are just now turning Grey…..I been fighting grey hair since I was 13. The kids used to make such fun of me…its not enough to be a short, round, Indian, poor, living on the wrong side of town, got a last name no-one can pronounce, unpopular female and have to deal with grey hair!

    I love how you described the whole experience and remember having lived through the exact same thing, more than once.


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