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A Bittersweet ending….

May 17, 2011

So much to share, so I am going to break it down into separate blogs, so as not to seem CRAAAZY….

This one will be the philosophical, woe is me one…so spare me this moment for a few thousand words…

I’ve decided to close the store. I am hoping to close the doors May 31st. I’m torn because a part of me is sad to close those doors, but another part is counting the days…I loved having it and working it when it was busy. I loved my dedicated customers. I even loved it when they shared their whole life story to me…But on the slow days, when Cameron has had it and I have had it, its time’s like then that I think there is so much more to do. Now the decision has been made. I’m not second guessing it. I know it’s the right thing to do. I had the feelings of failure at first.  Then Ryan reminded me how the store saved us when we were both laid off. He reminded me of how the goal wasn’t to get rich off of it. He reminded me that now we are both back to working our jobs, and the store is just supplemental income. But Cameron is now preschool age. He has to go to speech, uh, he has to finally get potty trained for real this time. No more of this half of the time crap…Not to mention the fact that the nights that I am busy on call til early morning, and taking an hour and half nap after 8:00 and then getting ready and getting Cameron ready means never opening the store on time….It’s been taking its toll on me since January and it’s time…Plus my deal was once we had to start covering the store with our personal account,  it would be time to close. And we have been covering the store for a few months. So for me, that was the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

But now I am over the failure feelings and am feeling lost….I choose the one day to read my horoscope in our local paper and read this…..

For those of you who don't know...my store is called Trendsetters.

 

I feel like I am asking myself again, “What do I want to be when I grow up?”  Do you know how depressing that is at the age of 35?  I feel too overwhelmed at the moment to go back to school and deeply feel at this point I wouldn’t succeed because I don’t know what to focus on. I want a break. I want a vacation, and the lottery is not working with me. As a matter of fact, it’s on my shit list right now. I want to love what I do. I want to be passionate about it, I want to be ecstatic about it. But I am already working 47 hours a week for ProDrivers on call….So on top of that, and managing a house and two kids, and being a wife and trying to find time for the few friends I call friends is hard. Add a new career or school to that and it’s even more overwhelming. It’s hard to go back and think about what you wanted to be growing up and how it’s changed with time…I hear Maddox talk about what he wants to be when he grows up daily! It changes everyday too. He goes from wanting to be a policeman, to being a fireman…being a heart dr, because of Cameron…being a contractor so he can build a house for his Grandma E, so she can live right next door. Lately it’s been being the ice cream man, since I have sworn off buying from him everyday, so Maddy thinks if he is the ice cream man, he can get all you can eat  ice cream for free.  I think how simple and easy a child can imagine and desire…But 30 years later, you think about salary, you think about retirement, you think about love. Is this what I am going to love to do 40 hours a week or more? When I was Maddy’s age, I wanted to be a teacher…When I got to be around 10, I noticed how much my dad loved watching those Perry Mason shows…and sadly wanted to become a lawyer, because maybe if I was an attorney, he would be proud of me and want to spend his time with me. When I was 16, I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to understand why I felt the way I felt, and why my parent’s were the way they were. Then I realized after taking my first year of psychology classes in college that I wouldn’t make a good psychologist because I would be crying along with the patients and I would be judgemental to the ones whose behavior I found irreprehensible. So I focused on the one thing I always loved growing up….Reading. I majored in English. I studied all the works from Shakespeare to the poetry of Keats to the writings of Wolfe and my favorite, Chopin. I even looked into teaching English overseas…But then I realized, sadly, the salary of a teacher, and decided to finish my major in English, but minor in Biology. The plan was to graduate with a B.A. in English and then go back to school for Optometry. I’ll be the first to tell you I have ZERO common sense, but book smarts, I have. Enter Ryan, and marriage after Bachelors degree and Optometry became another career swept under the rug….So now, married 10 years later, I am at the crossroads again of what direction to go….

Am I selfish to say this is not enough…what I have right here? Being a mom, working from home, being a wife. I can’t wait to be back home. I can’t wait to spend summers with the boys outside, in the sun, by the pool, with friends…Even going home to visit my oldest and dearest friends, and family. It’s been three years since I have had the luxury to do so. But I know me and at some point, I know I am going to think, I need more…I want more. And I know that will be upsetting to Ryan because he is the kind of man who doesn’t understand my kind of thinking… He thinks this should be enough. This right here. And it is for now. But I need to feel inspired. I need to feel…So I am currently searching for things to fill that niche…Right now, its reading…and its movies, and its music…

I just finished these books….

I’D KNOW YOU ANYWHERE – Laura Lippman

 

This book was a page turner for me. I think I read it in 3 days but would have been 1 or 2 but I was too busy trying to beat Angry Birds…This book is about a girl who was kidnapped by a serial killer.  She married, and had kids and was happily living her life when she gets a letter in the mail. It was from the kidnapper in jail, on death row, but sent through a liaison. He wrote because he saw her and her husband in a picture in the society section of the Washington paper. He ended the letter by stating, “I’d know you anywhere…”  Clever, huh?  He tries to seduce her into visiting him, by promising her that he would tell her all of the victims name’s but his request was a selfish lie…He wanted to get her to change her story so he wouldn’t have to face execution and could get a new trial. I won’t tell you how it ends, but I will tell you it was riveting. But I am warped like that. I love a good kidnapped, serial killer story…

which leads me to book number 2…

THE FATES WILL FIND THEIR WAY – Hannah Pitard

This book is also a story about a young girl who goes missing in her junior high years. But it is written from a male perspective. Its’ written from the perspective of the boys she went to school with and what their ideas and thoughts were concerning her vanishing. It follows them through their married years. It is exceptionally written, because if you have ever tried to write from a third story perspective, its hard to do and to keep everything going along in the same flow. This book may not be as riveting as Lippman’s but its well written and it definitely gives me, a female, an inside glimpse as to how teen boys looked and viewed girls at that age. And how they spoke about them, and how they lied about them… The stories of young love and first time kisses brought back memories of my own teen years and teen crushes…

 Just downloaded Judas Kiss by JT Ellison…will keep you updated….

Movies-

Just watched Blue Valentine –

 It was sad. It was depressing. A movie if you are in a mood to be sad and depressed…When I was returning it to Red Box, Maddy asked me what kind of movie it was. I told him a sad movie. He said, “was it scary?” See how he already knows my love of horror?

 I said, ” no, it was sad.”  He asked, “what made it sad? ”

I said, ” because the guy in the movie was in love with this girl. And the girl didn’t love him back  (because she was still hung up on her ex), and she broke his heart.”

 He said, “that’s not sad.” I asked “why not..”

He said, “because if Jenna (his current girlfriend) didn’t love me I would be mad.”  I said, “Why mad?” and he said, “Because what’s not to love?”  So true!

But then he said, “But when I am old, like dad, and have a moustache, and Jenna or Ashley (his other girlfriend) or Grandma E (weird) say they don’t love me anymore, I will be sad and it will break my heart…” And I said, “I know, baby, I know…”

I finally watched The Hangover all the way through. I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the beginning of that movie and then slept the rest of the way through. This time I made it through! I loved it and will be watching the next one in the theater…

Music –

I listen daily to Adele.  Her new cd “21” is amazing and I haven’t tired of it yet.  Her lyrics are raw. They make you feel, they make you want, they make you sad. I love lyrics that do that….

In “Rolling through the Deep”, she sings…

“Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You’ll pay me back in kind and reap just what you’ve sown…”

and how can you not just feel something when she sings, “We could have had it all…” That sentence is such a loaded, lonely, emotional raw sentence that has been sung by many….

In “Someone Like You” she sings…

“You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days”

In “Set Fire to the Rain” she sings…

“But I set fire to the rain,

watched it pour as I touched your face,

Well it burned, while I cried,

because I heard it screaming out your name, your name…”

Love Adele, Love her…..

And I think I could happily float in this here world for a while, reading and movie-watching and listening to sad love songs, but the fear of what happens when Cameron is in school and I have my days to myself haunt me. Don’t get me wrong. I will fully take advantage that first year of  him being in school all day by sleeping in til noon or 1, and then getting up and around. But I can only do that for so long, right?  I need a distraction. I need a daily inspiration. And my neighbor Annie is gone. You see, we didn’t just watch scary tv shows and I just didn’t torment her daily. We talked about the world, we talked about politics, we talked about sports and our love for John Gruden. We talked about books and movies and music. We laughed, we cried and ate! She was always cooking or baking or had just finished baking and on the days she didn’t, I would cook or buy fast food. Since she has left I have been cooking more. I have been baking more. And I have been missing her more.  Because like all friends, we had our moments where we wouldn’t see or talk to each other everyday. Especially once I started the store…I grew jealous of the new friends she was making but more so because I wasn’t home to be involved. But I had a store to run. Then she moved away and my heart broke because I missed her and her kids and her Robbie. I realized out of everyone here in this neighborhood, in this town, she was the one constant.  So we have our weekly or daily calls and texts and we still talk about the same stuff….I taunt her weekly, we share recipes, we have tv date nights. And she was the first one I called when these feelings of me being selfish arose. Because I knew she would understand. All my other friends have their set careers, they are teachers, or they are going back to school because they know what they want to be now that they have grown up, or they are housewives and love it…Ann understood because she left her career to raise her, now 5, kids. And she did understand and again we went back to the idea that we have to find our inspiration daily. She finds it in her daily bike rides. She has become quite the female Lance Armstrong. Not in her ability to ride but in her passion to ride. I am still searching….

Searching in a bowl of ice cream…We went to Orange Leaf tonight for Ryan’s  birthday. He is now 39. He loves what he does, so much so he always says when we win the powerball, notice the “when”…. he will continue to work because he loves it that much…I say,”Rock on with your bad self, I won’t be”…So after his birthday dinner, Casey’s pizza, his request, not my idea…we went to Orange Leaf…

It’s a new yogurt/ice cream place in town. My next blog will be more about Ryan and his old age, Ha! I kid! It will be more about his birthday though and more about food…Tonight though I loaded up on ice cream…

It’s a self-serve yogurt place…I don’t do well in these kind of places because I don’t like to try new things…But I did, a little. I got some white chocolate (straying from my brown chocolate) yogurt, and some Brownie Batter yogurt, and some Banana yogurt, yes I know, that’s a lot.. Next comes this buffet of toppings to choose from…I, not being too adventurous, chose white chocolate chips, to go with the white chocolate, brownie pieces to go with the brownie batter, and Hershey kisses to go on the banana yogurt. I live dangerously, huh?  Then I topped it with a little swirl of Chocolate Sundae sauce and a little swirl of Caramel sauce. And because I am such a bad ass, not to be confused with fat ass, I got it all in a waffle cone dish… 

Yeah that’s a lot, I know. And as you can see from my empty dish, it was good.

But it was pricey. $18.00 for ice cream for me, the boys and Ryan..Eh, it wasn’t that good…But as I sat there, I thought, “Shit, I have to wear a swimsuit soon, and all these chocolate chips and Hershey’s kisses aren’t going to make that swimsuit look any better on me…Then the idea of what the swimsuit would look like quickly took over and I inhaled that bitch. I don’t know how to walk away.  I don’t know how to just stop…But I am starting with the store…and walking away from it still makes me sad….

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 17, 2011 7:30 AM

    Oh Bahar I am happy that you will have the summer to play at the pool and with your sweet boys. I am sad that you won’t be texting me that you have BKE’s in your shop!! Lets pray the pool opens Memorial Day Weekend!!!

    Like

  2. May 17, 2011 10:00 AM

    wwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

    What in the world would I do without you? I never want to find out. It is hard being so far apart, but I swear we talk more now and stay more “in touch” than we did when we were right there beside each other. I love our dates and do know EXACTLY what you’re feeling right now. I’ll say it again — it is ok — some of us aren’t supposed to know what we’re “supposed” to be because we are supposed to “be” LOTS of things. We’re like wild horses. You can put the fence up, but there’s no promise we’re going to stay inside of it. Embrace it. It’s beautiful and you look totally hot in it.

    xoxoxo
    I love you!!!

    Like

  3. May 17, 2011 10:48 AM

    Wait. All the ice cream you want isn’t free if you’re sleeping with the ice cream man? Another fantasy shot to hell.

    Like

  4. May 24, 2011 11:40 AM

    wait till you ask that same question when you are um, 55. I’d give my best chocolate bar to be 35 again and redo it all. if you want to go to school – go. If you want to do something different do it. twenty years forward you’ll look back and know that 35 is only the beginning. really, it is. and you can change your mind a hundred zillion times and it would be fine, too. doing many different things is a gift for you soul. and the more you do, the more you know and the more you learn.

    all around me, all the grown-ups have careers too and they always ask me what I do all day. I used to make up stuff and now I tell them that I do nothing (so not true) but it is too much fun to see the looks on their faces. It isn’t the label of what you do – it is the inside of who you are. and if it is comprised of a multitude of layers, more the better.

    be you. because it is you we like. a lot.

    Like

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