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My horriflic date.

April 27, 2011

I have this thing about movies…I like to be moved, inspired, I want to feel. Now that entails tears and sobbing, or anger and despair or even better, fear. I love that scared feeling. I hate it when Ryan pops out of the closet and scares the pee out of me, or when a butterfly flies dangerously too close to my head, but to watch it on the screen, I love it AND to inflict it on others, like Ryan or my kids or my friends, well that’s just the golden pot of treasure under my rainbow. I love it. And I can tell you, I love to do it.  Before my friend/neighbor Annie moved away, and before I owned the store, I would go over to her house, sometimes still in pj’s, and we would watch Haunted on A&E. The kids would tear up her house, and we would occasionally have to change the channel in case the kids became entranced in the show as well, and we feared they would become possessed, but the kids had free reign of play and toy time during that hour. Ann would always cover her face with a blanket  and I would always scream at her to watch it. Then when Paranormal State came on Monday nights, we’d rush the kids to bed and plop on the couch and watch it at 9:00 with a margarita or sangria in hand and then we’d always bitch about how miraculously the endings were all the same. The drama and fear just wasn’t the same, but Ann had a crush on Ryan Buell and Sergio, so we watched it religiously.

Then came the series, Psychic Kids,  which Ann refused to watch, so I watched for her, even though I was not a fan of Chip Coffey. 

 Ann and I are quite different…She doesn’t like the dark, doesn’t like to watch horror flicks, but I made her and loved it. She once had a college friend come to visit. Her friend did all kinds of research on Joplin before coming, which is more than we ever did having lived here 2 years already, and she introduced us to the famous spooklight. I had vaguely heard about it, but was excited to go. Ann was not. But we all piled in my car one late night around 11 pm and set out to find this spooky spooklight. We got lost. We ended up out in Miami, by the casinos. My navigation couldn’t find it at all. All the while, driving and telling spooky stories. Ann sat in the back, her friend, Ashley up front with me, and then out of the blue, we found the road…

Now everyone who has the pleasure of driving with me, knows my driving is something to get used to. I, personally, feel like I am a good driver. I taught myself young from playing Pole Position, remember that arcade game? I rocked it. But my driving and the fear of the unknown was making Ann carsick. She had brought her blanket, and all I remember about that night is laughing and having a really, really good time until we happened on that road. I don’t know if it was the fact that it was suddenly so dark, or the fact that we were out in the middle of nowhere and I had no idea how to get out of there nor did my Navigation….Ann is on the floor, she is wrapped in her blanket, and I start to taunt her when her friend turns into a drill sergeant and tells us to shut up! She sees a light!  I don’t see it. I think it’s a motorcycle…But then I realize that there is something on the pavement. I turn on my headlights. and I scream, “Oh my God, that’s a pentagram!” Ann peeks out from her blanket and completely loses it. And I mean loses it. Her fear was contagious, and the next thing I knew, my heart was beating and I was scared. I am still entranced at the satanic drawings on the road.  Ann goes back to the floorboard, wrapped into a burrito in her blanket, quietly praying.  I am trying to determine how I am going to successfully do a 3 point turn without getting stuck in the ditch. The road is narrow and my Lincoln Navigator takes up most of the road… Her friend is rambling about something else painted on the pavement, and the next thing I know, both Ann and Ashley are screaming and all I can make out is Ann screaming, “Back the fuck up now!” and I throw it in reverse and drive a mile in reverse, going at least, and I honestly mean it, at least 45 miles an hour. I have no clue what they saw or what happened but I was scared, and Ann was hysterical. I drive like a bat out of hell til I find the main road, and we see the big Petro and we pull in and I instantly feel better. It is now 1 am. Ashley is pissed because they won’t sell her any beer, Ann is in the bathroom peeing, and now the giddy feeling that takes over my body when I get scared has hit and I am laughing hysterically. Ashley is laughing, even though she is still pissed they won’t let her buy a beer, and Ann walks out and looks haggard. She looks rough. She looks spent. We probably took 10 years off her life and she doesn’t find our laughing humorous at all.  We tell her we are going back, and she says she will stay at the Petro. I tell her she has no bra on and a white t-shirt on and I can’t in good faith leave her there bra-less. She says she’ll eat at the Wendy’s, she’ll be fine, but there was some skeevy-looking truck drivers there and I refused to leave her. I can’t remember if we went back out there. I just remember the fear and the high that came with it. Ann blogged about it later and to this day, when I read it, I laugh and giggle like a little schoolgirl. It’s warped at how much pleasure it brings me, really it is, but I loved that night and it will forever be in my top 5 best nights ever.  Please go read her version. She tells it so much better than I ever could.    http://annlands.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-night-as-paranormal-investigator.html

So after that night, Ann figured her best bet was to join forces with me rather than be the one who is tormented. So we turned it onto my hubs, Ryan. Ryan loves his man-cave. He loves the gory scary  movies. I am not a fan of those. We’re talking movies like Saw…After Saw 2 came out, I lost all interest in the next 10 that came out. Ryan, on the other hand, could not wait to watch it.  So Ann and I schemed and came up with some ideas.  Our first idea was tying clear fishing line to Maddy’s red Radio Flyer Tricycle and because I make Ryan “vent” or “air out” the garage by opening the garage door a few inches while he puffs away on his cigars, we would then hide the line and go out and pull the line, thus making the tricycle move across the garage at a creepily slow pace during some of the scariest moments of the movie. This for sure would make Ryan pee. But the more I thought about it, the more vengeful I knew his revenge would be on me. And, I, being the sore loser I am, decided to scratch that idea off the list. I know Ryan and I knew he would scare the living daylights out of me and I wasn’t wanting that much fear….

So we went with plan number 2…We  printed out the picture of that creepy Saw guy and taped it to the garage window….

This way, when he is puffing on his $10.00 cigar and happens to look up at just the right moment, he would see the creepy face peering in at him through the window and make him pee. This tickled me. I loved it. So we did it. Cameron was just a baby at the time. Ryan went out and I went upstairs to rock Cameron to sleep. I texted Ann that he was out there and to quietly creep over and tape it to the window.  Cameron’s room at the time was directly above the garage. This was perfect for me because I knew if it caused him to scream I would hear it. So off I go rocking Cameron, giggling and giddy and I hear it. I hear Ryan scream and I put on my concerned face when he runs upstairs to tell me….”Who would do such a thing? not me, must be Ann!” I say, and thus began Ryan’s quest to torment Ann as well. I loved it though. It wasn’t as good as the spooklight but it was good.

I get the creeps just posting this...imagine walking into a dark garage to watch a movie with one lone light bulb on and seeing this in the window!

Fast forward…Ann now lives in Pennsylvania, so we have text dates. We watch Idol and text back and forth catty remarks…But Monday, I get this text that says, “Emily Rose comes on at 1:30 on AMC today, Date?!?!”

Ann has yet to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose all the way through. She would watch 10 minutes one day. Twenty minutes the next week. Then she started waking up at 3 am and she was done with it….So this is good news for me!

And I reply, “Yes!!!!” and I get out of bed and get showered and ready. But I forgot that 1:30 means 12:30 my time, so while I am downstairs making Cameron lunch, I hear my phone going off and I remember and I run upstairs and get the tv on and comfy because our movie date has started….

5 minutes into the movie, Ann texts, “I am scared already…” I am still downstairs, so I have no clue. 7 minutes later I get the text, “OMGGG…IT IS ALMOST AT THE PART WHERE SHE GETS TWISTED ON THE FLOOR!!!” 

This is where I realize my phone is going off and run upstairs. Now I have some weird condition where I can watch a movie and a year or so later forget about it completely. So I haven’t seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose in about 4 years. Ann has only made it to the part where she twists on the floor and gives up. She can’t make herself watch it. So I turn it on and watch and text along.

Ann has her blanket with her again. She starts to text that this was a bad idea and she can’t watch so I text back that we will just pretend like we aren’t scared and are making fun of it , like bad horror…well it doesn’t work, because I start to get creeped out too.

I am creeped out by how creepy Emily Rose looks. Her looks alone scare me…here is some of our conversations…

me – “She’s a creepy bitch, they picked  the right actress for this…”

ann – “I am crazy for watching this”

me – “look, that guy thinks she is crazy too!”

ann – “OMG, I JUST PEED ON MYSELF!”

ME – “OMG, CRAZY! OOOOOOOH!”

ANN – “OMG, HERE WE GO”

me – “Ryan  would have left my ass” – this is the part where she is in the church bent backwards 90 degrees, screaming at her boyfriend in a man’s voice….

ann – “I’m sitting on a towel now…You know I am waking up at 3 am right. And then I am calling your ass.” – this is where at 3 am the lawyer has creepy shit happening in her house…

me – “oh no, 3 am, crazytime!”

ann – “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG”

ANN – “Safety burrito!”

ann – “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!”

ME – “I forgot about these parts! why doesn’t she turn the goddamn light on! oh god, her front door is open!”

ann – “omggggggg”

ann – “OHHHH WHAT THE SHIT!”

ANN – “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!”

ANN – “Thud. I am dying”

then comes the part where Emily Rose is on the floor all twisted up…And I pause the screen to take a pic, so I can use it to haunt it Ann later. See, there is something wrong with me…

ANN – “Omgomgomg here comes the part!”

ann – “BLANKET!”

ME – at the same time – “OH god , here it is, ugh!”

ann – “omgomgomgomg”

ann – “omgomgomgomgomg”

ann  “what the hellz?!”

5 minutes later….

me – creeped out by the way…” ahhh, my lights just flickered!”

me – “creepy birds!!!”

me – “did you leave me?!?!”

me – “omg!”

me – “it was a sign!!!!”

me -“where are you!?!?!?!”

me – “omg ann did u ditch me!?!?”

25 minutes later ann texts back that Drew threw up and the kids came home from school. The movie is now at the very end where the lawyers are giving closing arguments. I secretly think Ann chickened out. 🙂 but as the credits roll at the end, I forget it is a true story….then Ann texts, “OMG there is a book!!!!”

me – “let’s read it! download it now!”

ann – “OMG hell to the no!”

me – ” I bet there are more scary scenes that the movie didn’t put in! ”

ann – “Rick no!”  her autocomplete on her phone doesn’t allow her to use the word “fuck”

me – “Rick yes! I’ll read it for you!”

ann – “Rick no! Don’t tell me!!!”

hours later I send her this text…

“I’m gonna download that book, are you sure you don’t want to read it with me?

ann – “what book?”

ann – “rocking Emily Rose?” rocking meaning “fucking”

me – “Rocking emily rose 🙂 ”

ann – “Rick no!”

Then last night I posted this pic of  Emily Rose on her fb page.

 You know, the one I was saving for later, I couldn’t wait. I had to do it. See, I’m a kid!  She flipped out! I laughed so hard I peed. I couldn’t stop. I just love tormenting her. But I took it off, because I’m such a good friend like that.

If you haven’t seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose, I highly recommend it. It will scare the pee out of you….just ask Ann.

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