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Thanksgiving talk show frenzy!!!

November 23, 2010

Oh yes, I am addicted to the Martha station and the Rosie channel. I don’t know why, but I love it. I have learned so much….I have also come to discover that if you are on the Martha station, everything has its own unique pronunciation, or shall I say, Marnunciation. I know they all copied off Martha, because who else calls a buffet, as in Thanksgiving buffet, a “boo-fay”….yes, I cocked my head too when I heard it. I am obsessed with listening to the Thanksgiving callers calling in for last-minute advice on baking and cooking and thank God I listened, because I forgot that I had to take the Honey-baked Ham out of the freezer, so I did this morning. So the caller calls in, and ironically, it’s the “Whatever show with Alexis Stewart and Jennifer”. See, I learned the sidekick’s name. Alexis pronounced it “boo-fay” which means Mommy Martha must have taught her to say it that way. Later, some chef was on taking questions and he pronounced it the same too, so I shrugged and said it’s a Martha thing…It won’t be a Bahar-thing, though.  I get enough shit from Ryan for pronouncing “crayons” as “crowns”.

Before I go and share some of the wonderful baking and cooking tips I have learned, let me fill you in on how raunchy Alexis Stewart is….Yesterday, I had to drive to Sarcoxie, so I got to listen to my heart’s content on the road. Somehow, the girls started gossiping about the Facebook-banning preacher and his past three-some affairs…I was so proud that I actually read it about it online and knew what they were talking about, so I nodded in agreement and listened to whiny Alexis go on about how he couldn’t get it up, and fuck him for telling anyone not to get on Facebook. I also learned that Alexis’ favorite word is “fuck” . I wonder if this makes Martha cringe?  Alexis then goes on to say that “saying fuck just makes her whole mouth relax, and she loves to say it…” But again, when she says it, its a whiny fuck, not an adamant FUCK!  It’s more like, “fuuuuck…” Is this what being rich does? Makes you lazy and makes you pronunciate things like Martha Stewart? Or is it because she is Martha’s daughter?  Somehow the topic goes from three-somes, to taking showers with your mate and Alexis says no, she doesn’t like to shower with another. Jennifer says she can do it because its quicker and easier if you both are in a hurry. Alexis then says, and this is no lie, “I can shower in 90 seconds if I don’t wash my hair”. Jennifer says, “90 seconds?” and Alexis says, “Yes, because I have to count a full 60 seconds when I wash my crotch.”  Jesus, really? Apparently, last year they had someone on the show who said to be properly clean and sanitary, you must fully lather the crotch a full 60 seconds, and that includes the asshole too, and if there is a rag handy, she then described how to basically finger your asshole and clean it. I cannot make this shit up. Alexis says her shower is so high pressured that she mearly has to lean over in the potty position and thus, does not have to use a rag…I can’t believe this shit is on the air! Jennifer says she remembers the hygiene conversation but never spends the full 60 seconds on the crotch and Alexis then states she has to count it out…She literally said she counts, “one, one-thousand, two -one-thousand….” until she gets to 60 and then rinses and hops out…TMI, Alexis, TMI….

Back to Thanksgiving, apparently Martha has a sense of humor, because she told everyone at the end of her show, to have everyone call her daughter’s show and ask Thanksgiving questions, but not to tell her she told them to call. So the “Whatever” show is now being bombarded with questions from callers regarding thanksgiving…Alexis is clearly getting annoyed and proceeds to tell everyone that if they to go to a “boo-fay” style dinner, to eat and pick all the good stuff off the dishes first. She said she once did that in Seattle. She said it was fucking cold, 15 degrees outside, and she said “fuck this” and grabbed a dish before anyone else, and took all the yummy brown marshmallow topping off the sweet potatoes, all the crunchy edges off the stuffing, and best part of the turkey and devoured it before anyone knew she did it. Then she went outside and slept in her friend’s truck til it was time to go. Nice, huh? Makes you want to kick her ass, doesn’t it? I mean that marshmallow stuff is the only good part of the sweet potato casserole. I should know, its the only part I eat too, and now that she mentioned it, I have decided to make it too.

So here is my Thanksgiving menu…

1. A  Honey-baked ham….Chef so and so said it’s already cooked so I just need to heat it through….I even bought a roasting dish…which I think should be used for a turkey now that I know the ham is already cooked…

2. Amanda’s bringing the mashed potatoes…but Ryan is in love with some hashbrown casserole he had at his work’s pot-luck, so I am going to attempt to make it since he put the recipe on the fridge as a hint….

3. Sweet potato casserole in this dish I bought from a Celebrating homes party, because I have only used it once…and its too cute to be stuck in the hutch. Also, its only going to be the canned stuff, and I think all you do is dump it and bake it and top with marshmallows, right? I guess I need to google that recipe, but I am only making it for the marshmallows….

4. Stuffing…except I lost the magazine that had the stuffing recipe in it, so now I am frantically searching for one similar to it..All I remember is it had 3 types of bread and sausage and apples.

5. Bread, but you knew this already…Crescent rolls for Cameron, because they are his favorite, and those cheap Brown and serve rolls for me and the rest of the family, because we only eat them at Thanksgiving…

6. Still debating on turkey… I know! I already have the roaster! It was on sale!  All the chefs have been harping on the fact that it should be in the brine already….but I have a husband who only eats boneless meat…yep, that’s right, the ham is boneless too…So I am on the search for a big boneless turkey breast. Yet, I haven’t heard a caller call in regarding  cooking  just a turkey breast. I wonder what’s the biggest size turkey boob I can buy, since my hubs is a breast man, in every way….This morning, a caller called to say she had a 30 pound turkey. WTF? That’s just a little less than what Cameron weighs! I don’t know if an oven rack can hold 30 pounds plus roasting pan? Can it? You gotta dig the manual out on that. She asked how long to cook it and the chef spouted off some algebraic equation on 15 minutes per pound and I could tell the caller was math-illiterate like me, and just wanted someone to give her a damn time, because she answered sarcastically, “thaaaaanks….I’ll grab my calculator….” and hung up without saying good- bye or Happy Thanksgiving…That would be me, too, I felt her pain. I would just call Ryan though. Another caller called from North Dakota to say she is grilling her 19 pound turkey on her rotisserrie grill outside and its 15 below right now. She wanted a medal, and she got her oohs and ahh’s but I was not impressed, I thought she was stupid. If I am gonna grill when its 15 below, its gonna be a filet, without the bacon…not a 19 pound turkey.  The next caller called in simply to give us her best “Gobble, Gobble, Gobble” impression, and it was so realistic sounding, you could actually hear her cheeks slapping against each other. It made me laugh but made me wonder if anyone was watching her at the same time. I secretly hoped she was in a closet at work somewhere doing it…The chef then went on to say that only male turkeys gobble, and female turkeys click…not cluck, but click…see how educational this Sirius radio is?   So back to my turkey dilemma…I am going to Sams tonight and picking out the fattest turkey breast there is, and bringing it home.  I know Martha and Emeril and every other chef keep saying to “buy fresh!” but no, I’ll pass, the thought makes me gag.

7. Pies….I told Amanda to bring a pie because I was not baking…However, I did pick up a brownie confetti mix yesterday at Target…and I may bake a frozen pecan pie….maybe….depends on my mood.

8. Gravy…I learned how to make a roux by listening…for instance, did you know, the longer you cook your roux, roux being butter and flour, the more watery your gravy will be? Who knew? I thought it would be the opposite! So I am going to try to make gravy but I am not stupid, I will buy gravy in a jar just in case…

9. I thought about making appetizers…like deviled eggs, homemade chex mix, which I have never done but so want to try…and other little fun finger foods, but I know I will be the only one cooking and cleaning this mess, and if I want to maintain my bubbly, happy mood, I should not take on more than I can handle…

So wish me lots of luck with my first Thanksgiving meal. I have not decided if I am going to do it “boo-fay” style or if I am going to decorate the table as only Martha would… But there will be pics! I hope as well I can remember during the moments when I am muttering, “fucking turkey and ham” all that I am thankful for this year…I will blog about that on Thanksgiving day. Wish me lots of luck and patience, it is that time of the month too…

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Annie permalink
    November 23, 2010 12:18 PM

    I am wishing you lots of luck and patience. I wish I was next door because I would blow right over and eat all the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes and steal all of Cam’s crescent rolls off the booooooo-fay table.

    I am thankful for you, Har. You make me laugh and cry and well, you just make the world go round.

    I will never take a shower again without thinking about you.
    (did that sound weird?)


  2. November 23, 2010 2:19 PM

    I would totally let u steal the marshmallows and cam’s crescent rolls if u could pry them from his chubby fingers, but i would raid your house for all the real goods…and I did the 60 count crotch wash this morning, and its a little raw…maybe a lighter soap and loofah next time. that would be my suggestion…


  3. iamsurly permalink
    November 24, 2010 12:25 AM

    You know what? I could have gone my entire life without knowing about Alexis’ crotch. But you couldn’t even give me that, could you?


    • November 24, 2010 4:20 AM

      Nope, I am here to pass on the learning…and your crotch could possibly use a 60 second washing…:)


      • Annie permalink
        November 24, 2010 9:11 PM

        true dat

        … not that I know or anything

        just an educated guess


  4. February 16, 2013 7:42 AM

    qEFktG myzclrnddtoo



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