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Homeopath, I’ll Homeopass….

November 20, 2010
 Since I was a kid, I have been plagued with ear infections. The eardrum always ruptures, and I haven’t had an ear infection since being pregnant with Maddox. In the last month, both ears have been infected and now, both eardrums have ruptured. Arghhh, I am so mad. I am sick of being sick. First the damn burn, then the damn toothache, then the root canal, then the aftermath of the burn, then came the bitchiness, and the baking, and now the damn ear infections. I’ve seriously been on antibiotics for 3 months. So after going to urgent care yesterday and begging for a different antibiotic, since amoxicillin is clearly my nemesis, I began a new antibiotic and while driving home tonight, in the middle of conversing with the hubs, I scream in pain. I actually screamed twice, and then continued conversing like nothing happened. Ryan, of course, looks mortified and I tell him it was just a really sharp pain..I start to wonder if that pain meant the eardrum finally ruptured and low and behold I get home and my damn ear is bleeding so yep, it ruptured. This is now 9 times in each ear and if I thought I was getting old before, I really feel it now, because I can’t hear for shit.

Earlier tonight, I was driving and listening to Martha’s channel on Sirius and the Dr. Marty, whom I have no idea who he is, was describing how a sudden rush of adrenaline shocks the body and the body cures itself from sickness. He tells the story of the man who can’t get off the couch because he feels so weak and frail and has no energy and feels yucky, and all the sudden he sees a car careening towards his house at a high rate of speed and he jumps off the couch and runs across the room. The sudden burst of adrenaline did something to him and he was shocked to realize that he wasn’t feeling ill anymore. Another caller calls in and recants a similar story…He says he was driving down the road and a car loses control and is heading in his direction and the driver slams on his brakes and literally stops 2 inches from the caller’s car. He said that sudden burst of adrenaline that he was going to be in an accident cleared up his respiratory distress and didn’t come back. What got me thinking about Homeopathic remedies is the how Dr. Marty pronounced it, “Homie ahhhh pathy”…Must be a Martha Stewart way of pronunciation….So I ask Ryan tonight if the next time he feels sick and can’t get off the couch, if I can scare the shit out of him too. I can tell you he didn’t find it appealing or humorous at all. And when we got in the car later tonight and he heard the Martha station come on, he quickly turned it off.  I will blog about it though next time he gets sick, and I may even use my Flip camera to capture it and send in to America’s Home Video’s because I am sure I can win some money while I am at it.

So after cleaning up the bloody ear, and popping a pain pill, I google Homeopathic remedies for ear infections…and let’s just say I am not a fan….

1.The Chopped Onion Bag….

  • Cut a middle-sized raw cooking onion into small pieces and stuff them into a small, thin, children cotton sock.  
  • Warm it up (with a blow dryer) to body temperature. 
  • Place a cotton wool swab on the aperture of the ear.
  • Fasten the warm onion bag to the painful ear with a woolen scarf or hat. (Use only natural materials, like cotton, wool, flax or silk.)
    I can only imagine Ryan’s reaction coming to bed with me wearing this onion on the side of my head and reeking of onion.
  • Leave the compress on about 30 minutes (depending on personal sensitivity) and use it 2-3 times a day (but always chop a new, fresh onion). Of course!
  •  

    She then says you can do the same with garlic…hmmm, reek of garlic or onion, garlic or onion….I’ll pass…. 

    2. This next one is a doozy…

    “Ok, I know once you read it-you will think EW GROSS! I did too when I was younger, but after I realized it worked I was SOLD!
    Human urine-caught mid-stream will ease the pain/cure an ear ache. This is a home remedy that my mother’s grandmother used on her and her siblings when they had earaches.
    You catch your own or for an infant/toddler who’s not potty trained use the parents urine caught in a disposable container (an old medicine cup works great!) and with a cut straw or disposable dropper put a few drops of the warm urine into the ear that hurts. The warmth soothes the pain and the ammonia in the urine kills the infection causing bacteria that is causing the pain.  It sounds gross but it works! Old country wives tales still work people!”

    Uh yeah, it sounds gross, it is gross. So far, I can either reek of onions or garlic or now urine…Actually let’s be dirty and call it Piss, because as gross as it sounds, we can call it Piss..

    3. Here is one for those still with breastmilk…I am not milking so this wouldn’t work for me, but even if I was, I don’t know if I could do it…“I got a really bad ear ache/infection and I don’t have insurance, but fortunately I have a 2 month old that I am breastfeeding, so I expressed some breast milk and used a dropper to fill my ear canal with it. I let it sit for 5 minutes and when I sat up and let it drain the pain was GONE! It was so plugged up I couldn’t hear, and after this I was back to normal. I will try the other remedies once I’m no longer breastfeeding though.”  Uh, let’s hope not….

     4. “use a vibrator. it is if you would buy the Eardoc. but every one has a vibrator at home.  simply put the vibrator behind the ear on the bone.”  I can just see Ryan’s face walking in with me holding a Vibrator to my ear….Actually I can hear him…”God damnit Bahar, That’s not where it goes!”

    5.  “….Now for the magic treatment, Aloa vera. Eat aloa vera, that’s right eat it. make sure not to eat the green skin or the yellow sap. Fillet it like a fish and only get the clear gel. It tastes vile so here is what i do to mask the taste.   add it to choc milkshake or banana smoothie add a little bit of brown sugar to sweeten the taste a bit. Eat as much as you can stomach, It works wonders.  I had very bad infection and the above treatment cleared it up in 2 days. ”

    So now I am supposed to eat “Aloa vera” which I am assuming is supposed to be aloe vera? And mix it with a chocolate shake…I’ll just drink a chocolate shake and pretend like it’s in there…

    6. I wonder if she used Parkay….“I had an ear ache that was causing sharp pain through that entire side of my head. I melted some margarine and used a baster to squeeze it into my ear. I kept it in for about 5 minutes and then let it drain on a towel. I did this 2 times about 2 hours apart and my ear ache was gone in an hour. My mom did this when I was a child.”

    7. I wish they had a pic of this…seriously…first a vibrator, now a tampon…with peanut butter on it. Come on..I couldn’t make this shit up.

    “take a Tsp of peanut butter and mix it with a tsp of olive oil and put it in the microwave for one min until it becomes a light syrup take a tampon and place mixture on the tip and insert in ear make sure you leave the string out to pull out when you are finished it really works!”

    Leave the string out, so you won’t forget you left the tampon in?

    With this last one, I am done reading anymore Homeopathic websites…I think I love my dr. now, even though I don’t get his sense of humor…I’ll continue popping my antibiotics and pain pills and try to erase the imagery I just read about….

    P.S. Don’t you feel sorry for that kid with the onion wrapped around his head. Geez!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    4 Comments leave one →
    1. iamsurly permalink
      November 21, 2010 1:08 AM

      I’ve got a prescription for Darvon and a discount coupon for a Bloomin’ Onion at Outback. Will that help?

      Like

    2. November 21, 2010 10:07 AM

      Hee hee, I think a dinner date with you would help me tremendously!

      Like

    3. November 23, 2010 7:47 AM

      I just peed in my pants laughing. Bahar = you should be on the freakin comedy channel!!!!!

      Like

      • November 23, 2010 7:51 AM

        not because you have an earache … but because in spite of it, you are a RIOT!

        Like

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