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Done and done….

November 17, 2010
 Soooo, here’s the jist…Ryan calls yesterday, and says, “Don’t forget to make the chocolate cake…” Referring to Ann’s chocolate cake, aka  my breakdown a few weeks ago…I told him again, because it was the second time he mentioned it, that I wasn’t making that damn cake. So I text Ann and ask her for a simple, and I mean SIMPLE,  recipe that I can make. She texts back, “I’ll stay on the phone with you, make the chocolate cake again.” Conspiracy to drive me crazy? I think so…I texted back, “Fuck no.” (excuse my language but I was adamant and wanted to make that clear… )  She replies,”Come on…” I reply, “No! That’s like me asking you to sit in a cemetary at night, It aint gonna happen…” So I decide to just bake a box cake…Ryan calls me later in the morning and asks about the damn cake again and I tell him nope, not making it. Then I tell him to just ask everyone what they are bringing and I will go from there…I close the store and am heading home and I call to ask him what the plan was and he says,” just make your strawberry dessert” (the only dessert I make that does not require baking).  “OK, did u get the stuff while you were at the store?”,I ask.  ( I sent him to the grocery store for more lucky charms). Nope, he didn’t have his cell on him to call for ingredients. So I stop off at Wal-Mart. MISTAKE!  Forgot going to Wal-Mart at 5 pm was retarded and don’t get out of there til 6. “They have no strawberries”, I text Ryan.  He replies, “I don’t know.”  I didn’t think I asked a question…I am now pissed because when I go to the bakery, all they have is birthday cakes and cupcakes…I clearly can’t pass that off as homemade…So I start to wander the aisles…I see frozen strawberries, but having never used frozen, I wander if they will be mushy. I text Ryan, “what about frozen strawberries…” He replies, “I think so…” I’m not understanding Ryan’s responses…and don’t have the patience to text him back and say, “What the hell are you saying?”  and wait for a response, so I text back I will make something else. So I wander down to the cake aisle…I knew I had a devils food cake mix at home, so I look around and see a box called “Dream Whip”. I read the back and find a recipe called “Dream Cake” and it includes a frosting that looked so damn simple, I was sold. But earlier, I had downloaded another recipe, so I thought, just to be safe, I would buy the stuff for it too. 
 
Got home at 6:30, started baking at 7….The dream cake is a 2  layer cake…and they come out of the oven perfect. I even cut the top off one, just as Ryan suggested last time, and start the frosting…The frosting was supposed to form soft peaks, but it never did. So I stick it in the fridge and start on cake number 2. Ryan comes in from his man-cave for more Dr. Pepper, and sees how good I did at cutting the tops off, so he walks away thinking, I have succeeded and have learned to bake. I could almost see a spring in his step. So cake number 2, the Bundt, comes together pretty simple as well…So I stick it in the oven and start on my frosting again. I can’t get it to whip up. So I frost anyway…why, you ask, because of lack of sleep and no common sense. The frosting begins to run off and I start to cuss. I text Ann and ask what to do and she proceeds to calm me down and tells me to scrape it off and make a buttercream frosting.  I can tell you I never want to see 6 cups of powdered sugar again, and I don’t want to cut the recipe in half and attempt to make it again. So I spend 30 minutes online trying to find the perfect, simple chocolate frosting recipe that has all the ingredients I have. Result: Zero. So I start to make the damn buttercream frosting when I think I remember buying a can of chocolate whipped frosting months ago. I think I stuck it in the pantry outside, because I had thought about making cupcakes. So I go look and find it!  But it expired back in August…At this point, I don’t care. So I scrape all the frosting off as best as I can. I go back to the computer to google to see if anyone has died of eating expired frosting, when I hear Ryan come back in from the man-cave. I immediately yell, “Shut up!” He replies, “I guess I am taking the other cake?”  So after not finding anything online, I go back to frosting the cake. Its sad looking…and because I stuck that damn dream frosting between the layers, the top layer keeps sliding around..Now its time to take the Bundt cake out of the oven. It looks great, but the recipe says I have to cool an hour and half before applying glaze. It’s now 10:00. I think screw that, I will give it til I finish the ganache. So I start making the ganache. I found the recipe on Allrecipes.com. I read 3 pages of reviews and decided to add bittersweet and semisweet chocolate, rather than just bittersweet, because reviewers complained of it being too bitter. So once I whisk the cream into the chocolate, with my new heavy-duty whisk by the way, I taste!  See how I have learned from my past mistakes? Its bitter….So I add a teaspoon of vanilla. Still bitter. Then I add some powdered sugar, still bitter…Then I add some of that Starbucks Espresso liquor…Super bitter. So I give it the finger and pour it over the chocolate frosted cake.  I tried to make it look nice with just a little running down the sides, like Ann, but nope, wasn’t happening. Maybe it’s because I used a ladle? I don’t know, so instead I just decide to douse the whole thing in ganache.  It overtakes the cake and plate, and I carefully put it in the fridge before it spills over. Next I move to the bundt…I invert the Bundt onto the plate and start to pour on more carefully with the ladle this time, and I did it! I was so proud!  And even Ryan agreed…So I carefully put it in the fridge. I start to clean up and notice I have some leftover cream. So I think, I’ll make homemade whipped cream! I run to the computer to do a quick recipe search and go to back to the kitchen. Ryan tells me there is no need for fresh whipped cream but I am on a roll here and ignore him. I start the whipped cream and it’s not coming together. I take it out of the kitchenaid mixer and get out my hand mixer, that I just bought, and nope, can’t get it to come together. It feels like mush. So I trash it and clean the kitchen and plan on getting up early to decorate the Bundt…           
 
Bleeckk! That’s the sound ganache makes when it throws up on your cake!

 

Sooooo, how does that saying about Murphy’s Law go? I can’t remember but I know it must apply to this morning. I wake up at 6 with a call, and realize that sometime in the middle of the night, Cameron crept into bed with us. I wake Ryan and ask him to put him back in his bed.

6:40 AM Cameron wakes up crying, and its the sick cry. I go check on him and he acts like has thrown up but I can’t see it anywhere. So I tell him to come back to our room. Ten minutes later, he throws up all over me.

7:00 am Ryan has Cameron in the tub, and I strip the bed and clean up. I go downstairs to transfer the Bundt to a new plate and think to use the spray can whipped cream as decoration. Why? Because I don’t know how to just let things be. It looked great as it was but me thinking it was a mannequin, wanted to continue dressing it up. So I fill the Bundt hole with the whipped cream and top it off with a cherry. Ryan yells for me to get upstairs so he can get ready for work.

My lame ass attempt to decorate with can whipped cream.

 7:30 am I get Cameron out and dressed and back in bed, and go back downstairs to check out the cake and the damn whipped cream has collapsed. I immediately cuss like I have tourretts. So I scoop out the whipped cream and use paper towels to try to get the white off the ganache. Now the ganache is not shiny and looks all messed up and not smooth. So I kept the leftover ganache from last night and quickly microwave it. By this time, Ryan is ready to go. He says he will take the dream cake because he doesn’t want to watch me mess the Bundt up anymore. I tell him to put Maddy in the car and I should be done. I quickly ladle the ganache on the inside of the bundt hole but now you can tell I added more ganache and it’s not pretty and smooth like before. So I say fuck it and ladle ganache all over it.  Who cares anyway right?  Then I hear Cameron screaming again, which means more throw up and Ryan leaves with the bundt. I really wish he would have just bought a damn cake yesterday at the store. (Sorry, no pic, it was too ugly…)

So 3 baths later, shampooed carpets, and 2 load of laundry later, I am blogging. I am hereby swearing off baking. Which means I will not be making Martha’s apple pie for Thanksgiving. I may make the bundt cake again because it was simple and looked good but I wont add the ganache.  of course, this all depends on whether the cake itself was good…So I have learned a lot from baking….

1. Toothpicks aren’t necessary to check for doneness. I used suckers last time and this time I used bendy straws. 

2. Less is more. If it looks good, leave it alone. It doesn’t need to blinged out, or dressed up. Sometimes simple is good.  (I am going to have to apply this in other areas of my life too, I think…)

I wish this was what the cake looked like when he took it but it didn't...It kind of resembled the cake that was thrown up on.

3. There is nothing wrong with store-bought cakes. So buy them and stick them in a cake box and claim you baked it. Because this is what I will be doing from here on out.

4. Don’t ever buy Dream Whip again.

5. Always remember that I can cook, not bake, and no, it’s not the same thing.

6. Listen to Ryan. UGH, I hate that part.

P.S. I wait all morning to hear how Ryan’s work liked the cake…Mind you, I have to call to ask…He says they loved it. I don’t know for sure if I believe it. I think he is trying to spare my feelings, which is why I love him so.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 18, 2010 5:58 AM

    I love you, Har! I don’t know how it tasted, but you tell it better than anyone on EARTH! Keep at it 🙂 and I agree – simple is always best. In fact, more than once, you’ve given me a magazine called REAL FREAKIN SIMPLE ….

    xoxoxoxoxox
    I’ll make a baker of you, yet.

    Like

    • November 18, 2010 8:12 AM

      It was supposed to be the county fair’s first place cake…I haven’t tried it yet. but the ganache was too bitter for me. I really think I am just going to stick with cooking…and baking my frozen pies and hard ass crumbly cupcakes…this baking shit stresses me out. I don’t know you flippin baked cakes all the time when u lived here with a house full of kids, because I did mine when they were in bed and was still at stroke out level…

      Like

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  1. Done and done…. (via My Bitchy Blog) « lemon tart diary

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