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Talk Show Frenzy….

November 10, 2010

I love my Sirius radio. I even bought one for the store, but for the most part I only listen to music on it. I started out loving the channel that plays only the new music that is out because I was feeling quite old watching the MTV music awards and not knowing half of the people nominated…Then when I got tired of hearing the same new stuff, I switched to the love station. After feeling depressed for about a month, because there only so many love songs you can listen to before it starts to take its toll on you, I switched to the Blend station. It was a mix of new and old…but then I discovered the country station. I haven’t listened to country for over 10 years. Don’t get me wrong, I know Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts and Carrie Underwood, but I liked the old stuff. Remember those Travis Tritt video montages, and how they would make you bawl like a baby? Well they made me bawl like a baby anyway…So I was channel surfing and I heard his song, “Anymore”, oh that song makes me weep. I know, I know, you ask, what’s the difference between that station and the love station….Well the country station takes me back in time. Barry Manilow does not. Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart”, and anything by Garth Brooks take me back to driving in my car and singing to those songs at the top of my lungs, because to me, if I sing as loud as I can, I really do kind of sound like them…So this is what I listen to daily, the Prime Country station and I haven’t got tired of it yet…But last week, I had to drive back to Enid, because my father was in the hospital. Before I even left Joplin, Cameron was asleep. So I turned his dvd player off and enjoyed the silence for about 30 minutes, then remembered I could listen to CNN Headline News on the radio, and since I never know what is going on in the world, because I never watch tv except what I Tivo, I thought I would educate myself. However, I happened to stop on the Rosie Channel and listened til her show was over. I laughed, I sympathized, I played along with the games they played and before I knew it, I was in Tulsa. So I scan to the next channel and find the Martha Stewart show….Learned a lot…Let me educate you!

1. I learned how to bake the perfect fruit pie, without any visual effects at all! I always knew I was an auditory learner. I quickly call Ryan during the commercial break to let him know I would be baking the perfect apple pie for Thanksgiving…He didn’t seem excited. I told him I was listening to Martha and she told me how and he asked, “Why are you listening to Martha Stewart?!?” See this is why we are opposites. I quickly tell him how I will make the pie, but I can tell he isn’t listening, then Martha comes back on so I quickly hang up.

2. I realized why Ryan does not like Martha…She is kind of pompous…She is brilliant but pompous and maybe a hoarder. Some lady called in with a question about fiesta-ware. I knowing what fiesta-ware is felt a slight surge of pride as I listened to Martha in her Martha voice tell the lady the most popular pieces to look for at estate sales and auctions. She then says she owns every piece of fiesta-ware made, AND has them in every color. WTF? The lady caller must have thought the same thing but asked in a more appropriate way, “Wow, that’s quite a collection, what do you do with it all?”  To which Martha replied, “I entertain! of course!”  She goes on and on about the colors she mixes together and how she sets the table up, blah, blah..She then moves on to say that her daughter Alexa, who I learned later has her own show on the Martha channel, called “WHATEVER”,  has over 20,000 pieces of fire king. I, personally, am not a fan of fire king, and can’t imagine owning one piece let alone 20,000 pieces. I scream, “What the hell! ” and the caller says again, “Wow. that’s a lot of fire king!” and Martha says, “Yes, its a beautiful collection…” then quickly tells the caller goodbye and hangs up before the caller can even respond. I hate that.

2. Martha takes another caller. The caller asks about some spice I have never heard of, and somehow the conversation goes to crudite. And this is where I begin to get offended..  Martha asks the caller if she buys the baby carrots or if she cuts her own carrots..I quickly answer, “the baby carrots!” and scoff at the woman who says, “Oh no, I buy my carrots and cut and peel them” and then I realize I need to listen more often to Martha because it was obvious this woman knew Martha’s stance on carrots and was an ass-kisser. Martha laughed delightfully and then started to slam me. She said, “I wish they would take those carrots off the market! Banish them forever! Can you believe some moms actually feed those to their children! How awful! Can you imagine!” By now, I am pissed. Who is she to judge?  Then I realize she can’t hear me and she doesn’t know me and before I got more riled up, I changed the station.

3. I listened to Jane Velez Mitchell. Not a fan. She tries to much to be a hard ass like Nancy Grace. She doesn’t scare me, but Nancy Grace does.

4. I went back to the Martha channel after getting tired of hearing Jane bitch, and her daughter’s show was now airing.  At the time, I didn’t know it was her daughter. This is how I found out….The show is called “Whatever with Alexa and…” I don’t know the sidekicks’ name because the name is too long for my screen to display.  And they don’t call each other by name either, but if you ever listen, Alexa is the one with a whiny voice, kind of like Martha. The topic that day was whether PMS was a real thing. Can you believe they get paid to talk about that? Her sidekick does not believe in PMS. Alexa does. Alexa then says her mom has it 30-31 days out of the month. I laughed. They go on and take some callers who say they, too, have PMS, and then the producer or guy sidekick comes on and says, “Alexa, your mom’s on line 2…” and everyone, “oohs and ahs…” Next thing you know, Martha comes on. I sit up and “think what the hell is Martha doing? ” and she says, “Alexa, this is your mother…I want you to know that February has 28 days in a month and there are months that have 30 days and months that have 31 days…” and her sidekick is rolling with laughter and says,” but what about you having PMS all month long?” and Martha says, “well that part’s true!” all the while Alexa is whining in the background, “Oh my god, I said 30 to 31 days, I know how many days there are in a month, rewind the tape, I know what I said….” and then Martha hangs up without even saying goodbye. Then Alexa goes on to whine more about her mom calling in. By this time, I am in town and at the hospital…

On my way back to Joplin, I tune again to Rosie’s show, and Alexa’s show, and then listened to Martha again. This time Martha’s show was a re-run (which I don’t condone, they get paid big bucks to be on the air and I think  there shouldn’t be any re-runs). I will say that on this particular show she wasn’t as pompous this time. I highly recommend Rosie,  I am addicted. I love it, and if I could listen to it at the store I would but I am sure my customers don’t want to hear baking tips from Martha or hear Rosie’s monotone voice..plus there is a fair amount of cuss words flying around…my favorite was when her sidekick, Janene shouted, “I hate you and I hope you fucking die!” I loved it.  I was excited to discover there is a book channel where they read you the books but both days they had the same book on and it didn’t sound remotely interesting.  So much so that I can’t even remember the name of the book. Deepak Chopra has a channel but I couldn’t get into it. Just reminded me of calling Sprint and talking to the Indian operator named Joe.  I listened to Dr Laura. She thoroughly pissed me off. I felt so bad for the caller who called in about her fiance. Apparently, she thought he was a virgin like her, saving himself for his chosen one, when one night, they were out drinking with friends, and it came out that he had slept with 4 other people. 4 is a good number,I think…It could be a lot worse. But she was thoroughly upset about this. She was bawling and Dr. Laura let her have it. She told her the best thing she could do was leave the guy alone because he deserved better. He didn’t need a whiny, immature baby, because that’s what she was being. I got pissed at the caller for not telling her off, but she kept saying, “ok…ok…” and even I was getting pissed at hearing, “ok…sniff, sniff, ok…” and then Dr. Laura told her to ” quit saying ok!” She then told her how annoying she was and if she found her annoying she knew her fiance did. She told her run the other direction and leave him alone, and the girl then stood up for herself and said, “well that’s not going to happen. I called you for advice, I want you to tell me how to deal with this newfound truth” and Dr. Laura tells her that it has nothing to do with her. That those partners were in his past but she sure as hell wasn’t prepared to have a sexual relationship with a guy regardless of the fact that she was 23. ( a 23 year old virgin!) Dr. Laura was right about the past relationship part though, so I guess she scored a point or two with me there…  Then she told her to go wash her face, quit her crying and either get over it and never bring it up again or break up with him, then she hung up on her. It pissed me off, because she is supposed to give advice but man she let her have it. But then again the virgin took it, and didn’t fight back either…I changed the station, pissed off, and called Ryan to complain. He didn’t care, he let me rant and then kindly told me he had to go back to work… I tried listening to Howard Stern but wasn’t impressed. I have yet to hear Oprah on there.

There should be a talk show about all the other talk shows, where you can summarize what their shows were about and take your stance on whether you agree or not, and bitch and moan just like they do. Maybe there is a channel like that and I haven’t discovered it yet but my car just got a lot more enjoyable listening to these shows. And I am sure I look ridiculous, laughing and shaking my head and talking to no one while I drive but I am entertained and it sure makes a road trip fly by! I’ll keep listerning and pass on the baking tips to you…Let me experiment with this new apple pie recipe first…

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Danielle permalink
    November 10, 2010 8:00 PM

    I love my sirius radio too! CNN radio is the best. I do suggest staying away from the Playboy channel, it gets a little raunchy haha! Oh, and you need to listen to the country song, If I Die Young. I forget the name of the band but it gives me goosebumps everytime!

    Like

    • November 10, 2010 8:14 PM

      True story…I get in the car a few weeks ago, and am coming to work, and I hear this woman talking all breathy…I think what country star is that? and then she starts talking about taking some guys virginity and I scream and look to see who the hell is on the country station, and its the damn playboy channel. I think how the hell did that happen and I quickly remember Ryan taking the car that night before to the store… that’s my playboy channel experience.

      Like

  2. November 11, 2010 12:58 AM

    I swear to God I should have put on one of those Depends you gave me before I read that. Don’t know what I like better – the hoarding assertion or the ass-kissing carrot peeler.

    This one’s a gem, baby! AWESOME!

    Like

  3. November 11, 2010 5:09 AM

    Baby Carrot Ass kisser!! hahahahahahahahah

    B- Why is Ann’s blog the only one on your sidebar under My Favorite Blogs? Who gives you velcro at 9:00 at night? Who wraps your burned arms with gauze? ME!!!!!!

    Like

    • November 11, 2010 5:15 AM

      Ann set up the blog! I am adding you to the list!

      Like

      • November 11, 2010 5:29 AM

        why does the clock say I left that comment at 5 am? I left it a few min ago?

        Like

      • November 11, 2010 5:52 AM

        Ryan said its an Iranian clock on Mecca time. He is so not funny….I don’t know how to change the clock?

        Like

  4. steph permalink
    November 12, 2010 1:34 AM

    it is official. I can not read your blogs in public! i lol and people stare at me! the past few have been unforgettable. I actually read the cake one to my mom and we were both crying!! words cannot express how happy your blogs make me!!

    Like

  5. steph permalink
    November 12, 2010 1:36 AM

    Ps i buy those baby carrots and why is that bad?

    Like

  6. Carrie permalink
    November 16, 2010 9:21 PM

    oh Bahar. the best thing about reading your blogs is that I can actually hear you saying these things. i can see you flipping your hair when you make certain comments, tilting your chin down with your head cocked to the side. You have a very special gift in your writings-not many people are able to put their exact personalities into their writings. So reading this is like having you with me all the time:)

    Like

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