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Restoration Nightmare…

November 9, 2010


I am on a remodeling kick…why, don’t ask. Did we win the lottery, hell no. Did I come into some big inheritance? Hell to the no! So why am I remodeling?  Because it’s what I do…I spend money, I am good at it too…So I am doing things little by little…My new task was to convert the study into my mom-cave…yes, mom-cave. I am on the lookout for a chaise lounge like this pictured…or similiar to and I will venture my hand in reupholstery…I want my mom-cave to be all about me. When you walk in, you will say, oh yes, this is Bahar’s room. It won’t look anything like the rest of the house. It will be full of books, and cute little things that I love and in the words of Cameron, it will be mine. I may install a lock, I may install a custom security fingerprint thing like the housewife on Real Housewives of D.C. I just know I want it to be done…now.

 Ryan has his man-cave out in the garage. Its complete with his own leather recliner couch, thanks to craigslist, and free carpet from the neighbors, thanks Jane! And  a flat screen tv and dvd player, which I think would look better mounted to the wall…But he loves it the way it is and he smokes his $10.00 cigars out there to his little heart’s content…Sometimes he forgets to close the kitchen door all the way, and the whole house smells like a $2.00 cigar, because I don’t care how expensive that cigar is, it still smells like a $2.00 cigar…Anyways, he smokes in the heat of the summer, and in the frozen icy winter…sometimes the garage is cracked, most of the time its not….Sometimes the window is open, sometimes its not…Most of the time, it’s just a big cloud of white smoke and from the kitchen door window, and all I can see is his little brown head. He has cable, he has everything out there, so its his man cave. He even checked into having central heat and air put out there, but  that’s when I started my remodeling kick….I would take a pic of the man cave but it’s a mess out there, why is it a mess? Because I send my kids out there when they are on my last nerve. So their bikes are everywhere, the floor has chalk railroad tracks all over it, and sometimes I will scratch my scratch off tickets out there, and not throw away the losers, and of course there are about 5 empty cans of Dr. Pepper on the side table. Oh yes, there is a side table to his reclining couch…and Dr. Pepper is his choice of drink with his cigars… I know, I know…I will clean it up soon.

yes, thats a battery screwdriver…

So the study will be my mom cave…First thing on the list is lighting. For some unknown reason there is no light fixture in this room. I know there is a switch on the wall that controls an outlet, I hear this is a new thing, but I like light…ceiling lights, ceiling fans…and since its a two story house, I have had 2 electricians tell me it’s not worth the money to put a light in…so I decided to install under cabinet lighting…easy, right? Home Depot says so…So I bought one to just try…This was 3 weeks ago…It took me 3 hours to install because I did not have a cordless drill and my neighbors who I always bombarded at odd hours for tools are no longer here, so I used my pink screwdriver, my battery screwdriver, and a hammer, and 3 hours later, the light was installed.

 I loved it, but waited 3 weeks to buy another and install it. I tried to pawn it off on a friend to do but he quickly refused when he realized how you have to contort your body underneath the cabinet with a pink screwdriver. So I went to Home Depot and bought a cordless screwdriver. almost identical to my neighbors. They had a 14 volt, I bought a 12 volt. Their’s was a different brand, but I went with Black and Decker because it was on sale. I am trying to be thrifty too…                                                                                                          

My pride and joy...


Fast forward to today. It was a beautiful morning, I got to sleep in. I got to eat chocolate lucky charms in bed, alone. I got to sleep in. Oh I said that already. It was such a beautiful day. I opened all the windows. Decided not to dust. Decided to install the under cabinet light on the other side of the study…So I unpacked the drill and charged it. I went to pick Maddy up from school and went to take them to get their hair cut. Note to self: go back to taking them individually. My perfect day quickly went to shit when I had to deal with two 3 year olds. Yeah, Maddy is 6, but he acted like he was 3. So instead of going to game stop afterward, we head back  tome. I decide then to install the light. STUPID ME! Second note to self: if you are already in a pissy mood, don’t try a new project…

So, Home Depot is always my store of choice. I buy all our filters, paint, supplies, everything there. I’m a home depot fan. But I am a little perturbed….I bought a cordless drill the other day, and no one told me that I needed to buy drill bits or attachments or whatever you call it to go with….I thought it came with the drill! The cashier that night was very friendly. I bought myself some sour patch kids there too and we discussed the many joys of sour patch kids..He recommended that I try the sour patch watermelons, I told him I like the little kids…He failed to mention, “hey you bought a new drill, you may need to buy some screwdriver attachments…” But I guess that falls into the common sense category, huh?

Fast forward to today….

4:00 pm  I grab my powered drill and head to the study. I think this will be over in 30 minutes tops…That’s when I discovered I needed an attachment…Sooo, off I go looking for some attachments…

4:45 pm I find a phillips bit!

4:47 pm  I realize its too big for the tiny screws…I then notice that there is one attached to the drill, but it, too, is too big, but smaller than mine, so i think, this will work…

5:20 pm -After relunctantly reading the directions to see how to attach said drill screw bit, and which way makes the drill for forward and reverse, I start on the cabinet.  The Phillips bit is too big because my screw is now damaged. I don’t know the word…but i’ts stripped out. You cant even tell what kind of screw it was supposed to be, a flathead or a phillips…dammit! So I grab my hammer and try to plunk it out but its stuck…so there is an extra screw under there hanging out…

 So I use the same technique I used last time, which was to use my tiny Duracell battery screwdriver, and my hammer and I use the hammer to hit the tiny screwdriver. I know to do this because this is what I did three weeks ago. So I know to use the hammer til the screwdriver sticks in the cabinet by itself. then I know the hole is deep enough for me to screw the screw into. I know, there is a method to my madness, and it works…SoI do this.and I get the screw started but for some reason, I run out of arm strength, probably used all my muscles on the damn chocolate cake….and so I grab the drill, and guess what, yep, I mess up again. So my screw can’t go in any deeper and I am running out of patience and so I say screw it, and move to the other side…I try to use the screwdriver bit to drill a hole but it does not work…so I place the drill down in front of me and reach for the hammer and tiny screwdriver again, and get this shit. I lean down to get under the cabinet and forget to move the damn drill, and basically ram my eye into the drill bit. I scream in pain. I am pissed. Only I would do this…I grab my eye, scream at Cameron to get in the house because he keeps tempting fate and inching to the street on his scooter, and I don’t need to deal with him being run over with my one eye. So I check my eye for blood, no blood, but it sure is red. So I take my contact out and put my glasses on and pretend they are safety goggles. It is now past 6:00.

6:10 pm I try nails, but they won’t hold the light thing that I am supposed to mount. Dammit!  Break time, I have to cook dinner.

That stupid light is supposed to balance on this piece of now warped plastic. WTF?

7:00 pm – I break for dinner and work. I have calls coming in and by this time I am in a really bad mood. So mad that I send the boys to bed. Yeah, yeah its 7:00 , but last week it was 8:00 so thats ok. They both crash in 10 minutes anyway. Ryan comes back downstairs from reading Maddy his bedtime book, yeah good dad award there, and I beg him to start the screw for me. He shakes his head no and grabs his cigars. I tell him you will understand my frustration if you just try just once. You will understand my mood from hell. So he goes and quickly refuses when he thinks he has to contort himself under the cabinet. I tell him I already started the hole, and 2 minutes later he has the screw in and I look like the biggest wimp ever….but I am grateful! I tell him I can finish screwing it in, and he can go back to his man cave. I was wrong…

8:00 pm – I do it again. I strip out the damn screw, and it’s stuck and the light barely teeters on the two ends. I am beyond pissed. I am exhausted, I am drained. I am livid. And I remember Ann Landsbergers’ answer to everything. Velcro. I run to the cabinet above the washer but no velcro. I see the hotel spools of thread we have collected over the years. I see magic erasers.  I see the extra stick on thing I keep for no reason from my dryer bars. I try to peel off the sticky stuff because the first one I ever used is still the same one in my dryer. Its a sticky bitch! But I can’t get it off the dryer bar thing. Third note to self: get on the mom train. Moms have velcro, moms have sewing machines, moms have sewing baskets with spools of every color thread under the sun and needles and thimbles, I have no such thing. I need to act as if. I need to act as if I can sew.  I think of who I call at 8:15 and ask if they have velcro…. Jane? No way. The Rutledges, I doubt it. The new neighbors? I don’t want to seem needy yet… Jennifer Wilson, Etsy crafter and super mom, surely! So I quickly text her anf she calls back immediately to say she has 5 small velcro squares! Perfect! My mood lifts instantly. I tell her I will pay her but she says no payment needed. I drive like a bat out of hell and pick them up. I come back and quickly attach and Bam! That light is up!

Oh the many uses of velcro!


Boughetto duct tape.

8:30  pm- I decide to be boughetto, and duct tape the wires up underneath. I am done trying to be perfect, I am done trying to be the handyman. It looks good from afar but if you contort yourself underneath my cabinet, it’s boughetto. And the lighting issue is tackled! I tried to buy a chaise lounge off of craigslist today but someone beat me to it. Bastards. I was going to attempt to reupholster it. Have I reupholstered before you ask? No, but it can’t be worse than an undercabinet lighting, can it?

Tuesday morning…

I love this pic Maddy drew last year of our house. It looks like our frame, & I love the heart.

9:45 am – I come downstairs for my daily bowl of Chocolate Lucky Charms cereal and my boughieghetto duct tape has fallen on one side..Fourth note to self : duct tape does not work for everything…

Now, just have to figure out paint colors…drapes…bookcases…fun little things…On my recent trip to Restoration Hardware, I found the most perfect chair…now its not a chaise lounge. But it is pricey…But I LOOOOOVE it. Ryan secretely does too, but hates the price….but we have leather furniture in every other room, so I want to go with something different, but I will get this chair one day…(putting it out there in to the universe…)

They also sell these cute little books tied together…they want $29.00 for them, I figure I can get some for $2.00 at a garage sale and make my own…

Now just a daily hunt on craigslist because I dont have time to search garage sales. I have a hard enough time getting up as it is…But wish me luck. You know I need it.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 9, 2010 9:37 PM


    Dude. Get you some “industrial” velcro at WalMart. It is about two inches wide. put it up where your duct tape was and then seal the cord in with the other piece of velcro. It will NOT fall down!


    Love your blog, Har. But I swear to effing God, if you get a chaise before me, I’ll go yaya all up in your shit!


    • November 9, 2010 10:21 PM

      did u get the link I emailed u yesterday? or did u purposely ignore it. it sold dammit. but i think it had potential…velcro, i am on it!


  2. Micah permalink
    November 10, 2010 3:25 PM

    Thanks for the great morning laugh! Next time, remember I have a husband who thinks he is a handyman and we have a box FULL of tools! I have about 50 different kinds of drill heads and anything else just waitng for your next project just right down the road! BTW, I am searching for seamstresses as we speak…


  3. Jon permalink
    June 10, 2012 11:31 PM

    Where on earth did you find chocolate lucky charms?!!!! That’s the best cereal on Earth.


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