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Breaking it down…

September 14, 2010

         Those are the famous lines from a Korn song that my husband sings at the top of his lungs with Maddy all the time, and who knew I would use it literally in my blog…But let me break it down to you, the key word in that phrase is “break”, and for me, I am broken. Not physically, not so much mentally, not financially, but maybe a little emotionally…  And no matter how clean the house is or how big the bank account is or how great the store does, at the end of some days,  I feel broken. And what do you do when you have no clue how to fix it?  I keep searching for that inner peace, that inner happiness, that balance that makes everything in the world seem perfect and that moment where you clearly see, this is what makes the world go round, this moment, this feeling right here…that moment of complete and total happiness.  I grew up reading books, books were my toys, my playtime, my escape. I never played with dolls, or toys or anything, it was always a book.  And dammit to hell, why I wasn’t taught as a kid, “hey, this is fiction..There is no knight in shining armour, there is no happily ever after…” You have to work for that shit.  It’s a damn good thing I don’t have a girl because that would be drummed into her head everyday.  You have to work for your happily ever after, you have to work to make that knight shine in his armour. You have to make the world go around, because money, love, children, careers, that doesn’t do it. How pessimistic does that sound? Pretty bad.  But how true is it? Am I jaded? Am I wrong? I used to think money made the world go around. But guess what, it didn’t. I used to think love made the world go around and I will say there have been those fleeting moments when it did. Remember the first kiss, the first butterflies in your stomach, the birth of your children, those moments were highs. Those moments made me stop and think, this is what it’s about. This little family right here. This little nook in his shoulder that I would fall asleep in, but what happens when time keeps ticking and your children grow and they aren’t the little babies that you long to hold, they are little rugrats that tear shit up and destroy rooms with toys that cost way too much to be littered all over the ground.  Where does that inner peace of, “AHHH, this is love” go? Because there are moments when I am blinded by rage or tears or anger. 

But then there are days where literally, “out of the mouth of babes” clarifies a lot, and opens my eyes to a whole other world that I didn’t even think of existing, sad as I am to admit that.  The other day, I rushed home to drop off some soup for Cameron, whose temperature had risen to 103.  And on my way out the door, Ryan makes a comment that I take critically and of course, the wrong way, and I go off. On the way back to work, Maddy tells me he needs to tell me something. And boy did he tell me. He told me I shouldn’t “get mad at dad because he is doing a good job. He is helping Cameron get better and we all want Cameron to feel better, right?” I was stunned into silence…I know, a rare moment, indeed! And I said, “you’re right, Maddy, Dad is doing a good job with Cameron. ”  It was a 6 year old’s way of telling me, “It aint about you!”  (and I type that out thinking of how Ryan says it in his Dr Phil voice, because the one time Ryan watched the show, Dr Phil said it, in his exaggerated way he does, and Ryan has used that quote for years since.)  I wanted to see things through Maddy’s eyes, I wanted to see the world as this happy, good place, where there are no worries, and the biggest upset of the day is that he doesn’t get to stay up late to play Wii.   But on the other hand, I want to break it down for Maddy and tell him what its like to be a grown up but I know his little brain wouldn’t understand. I want to tell him when he grows up and gets married, to listen to what his wife needs, because she needs it for a reason.  That it sucks to clean house, and do the laundry and the dishes, and pull the weeds, and take out the trash but that’s what you have to do, otherwise, you will be on tv and America will be talking about your hoarding ass and how dirty you are.  This parenting thing is hard. It’s hard to break it down and find the basics of the truth, because at 35, the truth has changed. It’s not always black and white. It’s not always about right or wrong, it’s about compromising and for better or worse, as long as we both shall live…I just wish it was easier. I wish it was broken down to me that way at a much younger age, because learning it now, in my 30’s, is breaking me down.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. MIcah permalink
    September 14, 2010 10:27 PM

    Life is about Highs and Lows my dear, it is all about those vally’s and even those crevices. Without these lows, that hard work you put into life you would not appreciate those ‘aha’ moments quite so much. You are blessed my dear, from the eyes of single mother with noone there to hold hr, from the eyes of a homeless veteran who doesnt even know what Gucci is, from an infertile woman who will never know the feeling of holding thier own creation, from the old man without any schooling, who can’t even read his own name. Yet you are pittied by those with more than you. Those who live under thier parents wings without workig at all, those who travel aimlessly only to live thier next adventure. We all have our own bliss, we all have our own fairytale ending. You my dear only need decide what you want ang go for it. You have to be the changes you want in the world. Youare a wonderful hardworking woman who in my eyes is often underappreciated and still completely blessed. Last week I entered you into Tri-States Hardest Working woman contest. I described what you do as this:
    “Bahar is the mother of two wonderful boys. The oldest is often too smart to keep up with and the youngest survivrd two open heart sugeries before he was 6 months old. She has a full-time job and has successfully opened and maintained a thriving business. Bahar is always putting herself out there for others rather is be paying the tab for the person behind her in line at Starbucks or being there for a close friend. I am sure this woman never sleeps because on top of her immacualate house, thriving business and fairytale marriage she is always the one to throw the most amazing party, whether it be the perfect birthdy party for her son or a fashion show for he business. Bahar is the hardest working and most deserving woman I and many others have the pleaseure of knowing. ”
    You are appreciated Bahar and you do add a little shine to those around you. You just need to be told a little more often.

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    • September 14, 2010 11:06 PM

      From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Mark Twain once said that he can live a month on a good compliment, and I will tell you I will live the rest of my life remembering what you wrote. Coming from you and what you do, working at the shelter for abused women, makes my complaints and insecurities feel insignificant to what you hear and witness each day, so thank you for opening my eyes to that. And thanks for the compliment. It was just what this chubby girl needed to hear on a day like today.

      Like

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