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Complete and total happiness…

September 12, 2010

Sunday, bloody Sunday…Yes, I love that U2 song as well, but today I sing it not at the top of the lungs, but am stating it in the only way I can describe today so far…Don’t get me wrong, I am trying very hard to not be pessimistic or melodramatic or gasp! Bitchy…I just want one day of perfection. One day of complete and total happiness! And now I wonder if I would even know what it is if I did indeed had it? I read this morning, in my attempt to create some R&R, that complete and total happiness comes in quick bursts of joy – like the fudge-filled cupcake I devoured last night from the new Dessert Boutique in town, or from hearing Pearl Jam’s “Last Kiss” playing on the radio, and remembering that summer of dreams where college was a must because the bank account was low, but the friends I hung around with at the time never were money-driven. They found happiness in their own company, in art, in music, and I am sure in a joint of finely rolled happiness…I envied that simplistic way of life and understood their love of the arts, but I always knew I wanted that and more. And I guess that’s where the question of when is enough enough? When do you draw the line and say this is enough, this moment here, eating a perfectly baked and frosted fudge-filled cupcake, or reading in quiet and savoring every word the author says, or singing at the top of your lungs with the sunroof open and your Chanel sunglasses on, and then the song ends, and the plate is empty, the last page has been read,and for me, I seek more. I crave more. I don’t understand the concept of this right here… in this little moment is what complete and happiness is… So, in a way, I understand the term addiction,  because I am constantly seeking this theory of complete and total happiness, and when I am not there, am stuck in this realm of WTF. I know my husband does not understand nor embrace my constant need for perfection or for complete and total happiness and when he explains that he is completely content and happy just the way things are, well I cringe at the thoughts I think. Because that’s where the opposites attract theory ends. I have always heard, opposites attract, and never really believed it until I met my husband, Ryan. I loved President Clinton, he did not. I love art, he does not. I love shopping, he does not. I love cleaning, he does not. You see where I am going with this. But sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. And for me, I don’t understand the times it does not. I become the control freak and immediately want it my way. I know that is unbecoming, I know it is childish, I know it is selfish, but I have been embedded with this mantra growing up that if you don’t like it, change it. If you want it, get it. If it doesn’t work, fix it. Whereas Ryan grew up with the mantra that “Life is not fair”. And he accepts that. I will tell you I never ever heard those words come from my parents’ mouths. Is that fair? No. So how am  I supposed to stop and reflect and see moments of complete and total happiness, when I am seeking it in a much larger, must-have, gotta-have-it-now kind of way? And that’s when I think, would I know it if I did indeed have it? When did I become blind to the little acts of kindness or happiness? Is that where over-indulgence comes into play? I think I can agree there is some evident proof of over-indulgence in my life, starting with and moving quickly past the number on the scale (huge sigh!), and in the closets packed of clothes and purses, and shoes, and cups, we can’t leave out my love of cups…I see now, in stating these things that my cup truly does runneth over…And now I am lost. Basically, I wonder how to embrace complete and total happiness in whatever form it appears and accept it and not want more! I know it is possible, because I can sit back and reflect and see the blessings that we have maintained thus far. I can be grateful for what we have. I can be thankful as well. I just don’t know how to not want “more”. I am thankful the burned arm is healing, but don’t know how to not want it back to normal, NOW! I am grateful for Ryan helping with the kids, but don’t know how to not expect him to do more. I need a coach here. Someone who won’t yell, because I will yell back, and hate you, but someone to tell me gently and gracefully how to just “be” and it can’t be from Ryan. I told Ryan the other night, “Maybe I will try to meditate”…thinking this will help me relax and will give me moments of clarity and memory back! But I can just picture myself, sitting in the half-lotus position, well, trying anyway, and closing my eyes, and instead of concentrating on my breathing and clearing my mind, running down the list of things that have to be done, and in what order, and what I should wear that day, and what should I pick up for dinner because I am still not comfortable cooking yet…I need a day of complete and total happiness, and sadly I don’t know what that would even be. I need a day of Ryan and I not being sarcastic to each other, but given my mood lately, anything he or I says is in sarcasm. I need a vacation, but who will watch the kids and the store, and hey, fund the vacation while they are at it? See, the need for need? When does it end? I so envy the friend of mine whose sister is a nun. I don’t understand how she can live basically in poverty but in complete happiness in her walk with God and her willingness for charity. But I envy it. I envy her peace of mind. I envy her hour of silence she gets every morning. Do I want it or need it, no, but I envy it, and want a version Bahar-specific to my life…So how do I get it? I guess I start by recognizing the little things and being happy/grateful for them. My arm is healing, and it doesn’t look pretty, yet, but I am convinced it will not scar. I am happy for the 4 pack of Jamaica Me Happy’s that Ryan bought for me last night, but sarcastically think I must need them for him to buy them. I am happy that the kids are no longer sick or have a fever in the hundreds, as they have had the last few days, even on Cameron’s 3rd birthday. I just want the happiness to stay. I want it to be ever-present in my mind. I want my world to slow down so I can catch up and breathe, and relax and just be, but I need help. Because in this constant state of more, comes the constant state of: must be clean, must be organized, must be perfect…and in that perfection, comes my state of complete and total happiness. Here are some pics for me to reflect upon my happiness….the healing arm, Cameron’s birthday hat he wore all day, Cameron’s look of “get away from my chocolate cake”, and Cameron in his bumblebee costume. Those were happy moments, and I wonder if in 20 years, I will look back and think, it was perfect. It was complete and total happiness. I had it and didn’t even realize it.


One Comment leave one →
  1. September 13, 2010 12:37 AM

    Babycakes – this is your best blog ever. Your writing is so clear and the circle of your thoughts is so tight. It’s hard to read because it’s uncomfortable and it’s uncomfortable because we all have that in us. That need for more, better, perfect-er. Even the laid-back slackers like me. What you want is universal … except maybe to that nun. She’s got it all figured out, but she also spends the better part of her day in prayer, not chasing kids or doing laundry or trying to connect with a mortal man. I give her props, but you can’t compare your happiness to hers. Your happiness is something in you. You can’t find it anywhere else.

    I see this quote everywhere, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I know you’ve been practicing that lately and I know it paid off some and I was so glad to hear it. So glad to know you were feeling better and that your physical healing was taking a turn for the better. The body and the brain don’t always work like a well-oiled machine during times of physical trauma and I think that’s what’s caused you to become so reflective. I don’t think things (other than the accident-o-rama) are so much different, as you are different. You are searching your own soul for the answers and looking inward takes a lot more effort and understanding than looking for the answers on the outside.

    We like to think we have it all together. Those little moments of bliss you talk about are really just reminders that we can have that — that we do have that. I think the answer comes in knowing that nothing is “totally” or “completely” or “always”. Sure those moments fit into that paradigm, but are so fleeting that anything else is disappointment. I think you’ve described the “addict” portion of it perfectly. Just waiting for the next buzz.

    And like addicts, you have to find a way to quit. Imagine this — switch all you’ve said here with the life of an alocholic or meth head from that show Intervention. If there was an intervention for happiness/unhappiness, could you imagine yourself in that self-destructive state of mind? I think you are being very hard on yourself, but I think that you will find the answers through this searching your own soul. I think you will find it through your writing. I see more clarity in each post.

    You don’t need a coach. You are already on your journey. The answers will come. Then the peace will come. Then you can coach me.

    I love you, Har. And I miss you so much. I wish I was there with you. We would be doing this together. But I’m only a phone call away or an email or a text or whatever.


    ps — you look hawt in those Chanel sunglasses.

    pss — Cowboys SUCK!


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