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No and No…

February 9, 2017

I am going to say this in the nicest way possible, without throwing anyone or dog under the bus….

I am tired of shampooing carpets. EVERY WEEK.  But I do it.

Throw up….Uh, No.   NO.     NOOOOOOOOO

 

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Allergic to the Dog.

February 8, 2017

I am pretty sure I am allergic to the dog.

I keep getting these bad headaches….and my ears are all clogged up and I can’t hear shit.

I am pretty sure, I told Ryan, that if I go and get blood-work done that it will say, “There is a dog in your house and you are allergic to it.”

Ryan once again, sides with the dog. ‘It’s sinus related, not dog related..’

I told him if I am still this way in July, we will know it’s Butters’ fault.  I have 147 days to prove him wrong.

Trying to stealth, like a Ninja…

February 7, 2017

It’s been 70 degrees the last two days….so Butters needs to work on her tan. I like sticking her in the pen outside because she can pee and poop right where she is and I don’t have to get up every hour to run her outside. Yes, that is desperation you are reading….I am desperate to get this dog potty trained.

Those ears are crazy though, I tip-toed and one of toes popped and she immediately spun around and yelped at me. I am sure she was telling me off in dog talk.

At least I leave the door open. I could be mean and have it closed with the blinds down. Just sayin…

 

Trying to tiptoe past the door without her seeing me...

Trying to tiptoe past the door without her seeing me…

 

Bootcamp Butters

January 26, 2017

How’s it going with Butters, you ask? Well, let me tell you about my week so far…

Went to Petsmart for a turf pad. They no longer carry. Back to the paper-shredding pads…

I did see this though, and instantly thought of Butters.

 

Yes. this a  Poop Emoji Dog bed.  Or, as I saw it, a reminder of Butters.

Yes. this a Poop Emoji Dog bed. or, as I saw it. a reminder of Butters.

And No, I didn’t buy it.

Monday, we had our final lesson with the Dog trainer. WAH! That was like the only hour in a week where I was impressed with Butters. I tried to get her to take her and train her and bring her back….of course, that didn’t happen.    I told her I wasn’t going to sign up for the 2nd course of training until Butters has mastered all of the 1st course. Which so far, she has accomplished, “Sit” and “Watch me”.

I told Ryan and the boys, now that training is over, we are now doing Bootcamp Butters. No more Mr. Nice Guy and no more lovey dovey Maddy. We have to be firm. We have to make her “Sit”, when told to sit. Make her “Stay” when told to stay. And most importantly, make her pee and poop outside!

How’s it going you ask? Well…Yesterday, Hump Day, this happened.

 

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I thought she was sleeping all day…she never barked to go pee. So a few minutes before it was time to pick up the kids from school, I decided to grab her and take her outside to pee before I leave. Won’t make that mistake again.  Bathroom floor was covered in pee. Which meant all her toys and bedding was soaked too..

And yes, I know I said I was not going to bitch at Ryan or Maddy about that dog. But I lost my shit.  I am over this dog. I am failing at the “fake it til you make it” part. I’m betting this is gonna be a long Bootcamp….

 

Must remember….

January 21, 2017

I must remember to not just  chuck Butters   shit in the washer without paying attention to what’s in it……

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That is a deer horn….wait,  I’m gonna gag. Gross.   At least it was just Butters’ shit in the load and I don’t have to rewash everything.

Let me get this straight…. The dog can gnaw on a deer horn, pig ear (gag), and now a cow hoof (triple gag) but God forbid her ass gets stuck outside in a pen, on a nice grassy patch, on a sunny day.

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So we got a dog…

January 20, 2017

Let me rephrase that…Ryno and the boys got a dog.  We have had “Butters” – that’s her name, for a month now, yet it feels like 3 months.

I can’t continue to bitch about the dog to Ryno or Maddy, as they are in love with the dog and are tired of hearing it. Cameron understands my pain. He likes Butters, but doesn’t like the idea of taking care of her. Which let me just say, is exactly why they should have just visited the pet store every month and got their dog-loving feels that way. But nope, no one listens to me…What do I know…

I’ll tell you what I know so far…Butters is a pain in the butthole. Actually she is a butthole. She’s not potty trained. I’ve tried!!!!  She acts perfect when the trainer is here. We are all in awe. Like really, who is this dog?!? Then she goes back to being Butters after the trainer leaves. I’m trying to be nice and not call her all kinds of names in the event that 6 months from now I do “fall in love” with her and regret having her slandered all over the world wide web.

So I am just going to take my rants to my bitchy blog. Put a smile on my face and try to fake it til I make it here.

For today, this was my email exchange to Ryno…HE HAS YET TO RESPOND.

On Friday, January 20, 2017 11:47 AM, B. wrote:

I am on a company wide conf call. The bathroom reeked of pee. So I put butters outside in her pen at 11:10 so I could jump on the call and she is losing her shit outside. When she saw me take her pen outside, she ran towards the outside fireplace. I had to chase her, she peed and ran everywhere. I finally cornered her in the poop corner and put her in the pen with a chicken bone. She is high fucking maintenance

From: Ryno
Sent: Friday, January 20, 2017 11:55 AM

she likes to run…she’s super fast isn’t she

On Friday, January 20, 2017 12:50 PM, B. wrote:

So the fur bed was soaked in pee. I was right the other night…I should have checked when I felt it was wet. I literally picked it up and it was dripping. Gag….

Its in the washer.

As is her mat.

I couldn’t fit the bucket in there. that’s next but I am out of laundry soap. Laundry has tripled with the dog. Just sayin….

She shit outside in the pen. Stepped all in it and took off into the house with those shit covered paws. She didn’t even wait for me by the door. She drank water and I washed her   feet in the sink and her ass and gagged. Put her in her pen with the old bed, and new pad   and told her she better not even think about peeing. We need a pee pad that she isn’t going to shred to bits either.

_____________________

Now see …that wasn’t too complainey…believe me, I could have really went to town on what  I wanted to say…like…

  • what the shit, how many times a week do I have to shampoo the carpets?
  • can we sell the house and buy a new one , with a pool of course, and our payments stay the same and have a basement so butters can be banished to the basement?
  • Do you realize I went from vacuuming once a week to vacuuming every day?
  • Why can’t that dog realize that being outside is supposed to be a natural dog thing to do??

I will leave it at that because I understand there a lot of dog lovers out there. And I am not saying I hate dogs. I am saying, coming from a childhood of no pets, no dogs, I am not really a fan…UNLESS the dog is lazy and just sits there and knows where to poop and pee and can smile at me when i say, “smile!”  I knew a dog once that could do that on cue.

I just received a text….

text

Guess he got the email notification that I renewed my blog…

Oh and here’s her pic ….we took her to get a haircut so the boys could actually put the leash on her and not let her run wild in the backyard. And yes, that is a car ring dangling from her collar, because apparently Maddy and Cam can’t get the leash to hook on the actual loop…

 

booters

 

 

 

As Johnny Cash says, “Love is a burnin’ thing….”

December 21, 2013

Today was a pajama wearing, all day baking and soda drinking, Pandora blasting Billy Joel and Elton John- kind of day…. So I slept in and got up, threw a robe over my pj’s and slipped my slippers on and went to work on baking. The kids asked, “what’s for lunch?” I said, “no lunch, just snacks!” So first up was chocolate chip cookies. Not the homemade kind yet, I will make those tomorrow. This was the bag kind that u just add an egg and butter to and a splash of vanilla.  And according to Ryan,  are the best cookies I ever made. Now let me just preface this and say, just because I burn one or two frozen pizzas and a few loaves of garlic bread, and bake a chocolate cake to the point that you can’t really chew it, doesn’t mean I CAN’T BAKE. It means, as usual, I am late getting to the oven when the timer goes off…. or just late in remembering to turn on the timer. So when I told Ryan I was baking today, he thought I meant burning….silly Ryan.

As you can see, Maddy loved licking the spoon <paddle>.

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Cameron was busy playing with grapes and toothpicks….Making some character called General Grievous or Darth Mol. I don’t know which because I don’t know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. Don’t get me started and don’t try to explain. I hear it daily from the kids.

And guess what, I didn’t burn the cookies!

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So after a cookies and milk break, I made spinach dip with Hawaiian bread dippers and Jalapeno sausage balls. Then came the Pinterest project our neighbor, Mary made for the boys for Christmas…

20131221_13125020131221_131257 Super cute packaging! Sugar dough ready to bake with sprinkles and cookie cutters attached. Looks easy…”Looks” being the operative word.

Let me begin by saying I have never made sugar cookies before. Ryan didn’t hesitate to mention that he loves sugar cookies and snickerdoodles as well. In 14 plus years of marriage and dating, I don’t remember seeing Ryan eat any sugar cookies nor snickerdoodles OR request them… So Mary says just roll out the dough to 1/4″ thick and use the cookie cutters and decorate. ok……

Here’s another suggestion…and perhaps Christmas hint to Ryan. Maybe it works better on granite countertops?

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Because my trusty rolling-pin of 10+ years tore that dough apart. Wait! That can’t be right. That makes that rolling-pin and me sound old….so scratch that, rewrite….My trusty rolling-pin of 5 years failed. So I tried with my Pampered Chef rolling-pin. Same result. So I just went with it.

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Now, here’s where the granite request is valid….It was hard to pick those cookies up without breaking them. So I used a spatula but even then they started to tear. I firmly believe the granite would have prevented this. Just sayin….Also, I didn’t think you were supposed to bake sprinkles? So I baked two batches and by the way, they don’t cook as long as a chocolate chip cookie does… They should put that somewhere on sugar cookie dough.  Then the light bulb went off…Hey, how are the sprinkles going to stick to hard, over-baked cookies….So I quickly posted that question as to when to apply the sprinkles, before or after-baking, on Facebook. The majority said, “after”…on to the last batch…

20131221_135430  See that non-burnt, greasy, messy cookie sheet below the sugar cookies? Well those are sausage, cheesy, jalapeno balls. And they aren’t burnt. You want them to look like that so you know you won’t get salmonella or raw sausage eating sickness.

20131221_133050 This was the remainder of the cookie dough…See that sad little star all smooshed…But see my little polka-dotted slipper?! Ok, back to the cookies. I forgot the parchment. So I had Maddy hold the parchment over the sheet while I tried to flip it. Sounds smart, right? Nope, those suckers stuck the sheet. So I banged on the back of the sheetpan and they popped off but broke. Which Maddy did not approve. I told him we could smoosh them together and the sprinkles would cover it but he didn’t approve of that either. He gets that from Ryan….

So I decided to put the parchment-lined sugar cookies on the table and have them decorate to their heart’s content.

20131221_135626But first Maddy has to try to repair all the broken ones….while Cameron thought it would be cool to have all the openings open at the same time….I told him if we were in a Charlie Brown cartoon, he would be Pigpen.

20131221_135856Maddy is very particular. Trees can only be green, stars can only be red. I don’t know if he gets that from me or Ryan. I would say me, because Ryan likes to go all out and add all kinds of crazy stuff to ice cream, whereas I am a strict vanilla, chocolate, strawberry kind of girl with basic toppings, as Maddy is too. So I tell him to get a little crazy and add some ornamental sprinkles to his. He adamantly refuses.

Cameron decides to go with it though. A little too much…

20131221_141004When Maddy yells that he is wasting the sprinkles, Cameron blows really hard….yep, Sprinkles blew everywhere. But I was ready for it. See that broom handle in the background….

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20131221_140400Maddy enjoyed this project. Cameron did too, but once he made the mess with the sprinkles he quickly left the kitchen and said he was done. I didn’t yell, promise. Maddy did. Cameron got green sprinkles on his red star…..

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So Maddy put a little more red to cover the green…

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I tell Maddy we have to save some of the sprinkles for the ones that are done. I just need to make an icing, but first I have to google it because I am pretty sure Ann is lying when she says to use vodka and sugar….Maddy goes to investigate the ones cooling on the counter. He takes a bite and says, “OMG these are burnt!” I quickly defend myself and say, “Do they look burnt? They aren’t black!” Maddy said, “They are crunchy! Sugar cookies are supposed to be soft. These hurt my gum.”  “Well grow some teeth” I muttered…but he didn’t hear. So I threw those two batches away. I told him I would bake these and make sure they are soft. But I am highly doubtful since they are not thick, plus they are covered in sugar sprinkles….So I stand and stare and watch the sugar cookies for 7 minutes. Then I remembered the mess and started to clean and then remembered I was supposed to be watching and well, guess what, I didn’t burn them! I pulled them out and they felt soft. But once they cooled, apparently they harden up a tad…..Maddy came in and I told him they were soft. I heard him crunch into one. But he was kind. He said they weren’t as crunchy as the other ones. His gums weren’t bleeding or anything. So I am done. No more sugar cookies. Another Pinterest project failed. BUT as I was cleaning the counters, Maddy said this was the best day ever.  So yeah, Johnny Cash knew what he was talking about….Love is a burnin’ thing….

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